What am I? And should I care?

x post from Susans.org

I've been taking hormones for a month now. Yes, I know how some of you feel about this, and how others of you feel about it. This post is not about that, or anything that might be wrong to say.

I'm coming on to the realization that I have budding breasts. Yes, I'm male bodied, or I was, or still am and its just a slight alteration. I know because when I poke at them, there is soreness, and something is going on in the tissue.

The problem I think, is I don't know if I care right now, at this very moment. I certainly cared this morning, and then there are other days where everything is dysphoria, and I hate my body, no matter what sex it might present, or I hate one part one day and another part the next. Here I wanted them so bad, wanted an androgynous appearance, wanted to be in between, really in between, and at this very moment, I just don't care. Maybe I'm tired.

Maybe I spend too much time alone.

I used to think I was plain mixedgender, but now I see that there is null gender mixed in with that, and other things too. 0-gender, mixed in with mixedgender, a big genderqueer mess. I'm realizing no matter what I do, I will feel there is something wrong with me.

Male, female, androgyne, mx, femme, butch, null.
Maybe I'm a pregender who got postgendered.
Maybe I'm a neutrois dreaming I'm gendered.
Maybe I'm gendered and I should JUST FREAKING PICK MALE OR FEMALE ALREADY.

But then I'd feel bad, no matter what I end up as. None and ALL of them are right. I guess thats what androgynes mean when they say "both and neither" (mixed and null).

And here I am, hoping that switches will click more and more as time goes on. And finding out more and more that the things I thought I cared about, I don't really care about.

Like sex. It was a conscious and unconscious decision, learning that I didn't want it, or need it, and hated what it entailed, for mysef anyway. And where I am now with that, a flip of the oversexed being I used to be, its comfortable. I find myself loving in ways that are so much more wonderful, attraction in all new venues, and a complete infatuation with people based soley on their personalities and their belief that I am worth it.

And then there are the things I thought I wanted. Like graduate school, like working in the field I have been studying for 3 plus years now (and arguably my whole life, from before I was born, my mother running around with a butterfly net in her pregnancy). This want is becoming less and less important, as I face burnout at the hands of mediocrity. How can I care when the professor doesn't? How can I bring myself to enjoy even Entomology when the teaching is either banal or confusing and always dissapointing? What about my friends who are happy enough, doing simple things, and obtain their joy from the people they love rather than the work they do?

Or the things I needed were so completely different than what I thought I needed. Like cuddling, which I thought was just some weird thing about me, something bizarre that couldn't possibly be an actual NEED, right? I was wrong, so wrong, keeping myself from that for almost a year, until I let myself come to that situation again, out of need (I actually ASKED for help) and I cried, for an hour maybe, and then passed out in someones arms, and I knew, that maybe I could be well again, if I could just give myself what I needed instead of what I thought I wanted.

Maybe its the hormones fault. Maybe the hormones were just the catalyst. Maybe the hormones have nothing to do with it, and I should stop it now, cause I'm just digging a hole. Or maybe they have everything to do with it, and I should be satisfied because I've finally figured out what I want and I just have to figure out how to get it and wait for opportunity.

Maybe I'm over thinking everything, or not thinking enough about the RIGHT things. Maybe I should get Fox news, or CNN, or whatever else is on that TeeVee to tell me what to think. I'm on the cusp of figuring out my gender and finding out it doesn't want to be described.

So I used genderqueer, and don't try to explain to people that who I am is some crazy mix up of all these different archetypes and influences and the gender is so screwy it doesn't have a name. Its not some simple dicotomy or some simple mixture or some simple lack.
Its not simple, period. And I wonder sometimes what/who the hell being made me so crazy inside or was it biology, or was it my childhood, or was it parents, or was it friends, or

is it all my own damn fault?


I think I'm stuck like this, this raw mixture.

A smart person would settle down and try to get used to it.



Where was I going?