Every morning

I struggle to get out of bed. Things used to be different, and it was a different kind of struggle. In those days, back in high school, I was hiding from the world, or, the world was hiding from me. I wasn't aware of the kind of person I would become, only of the person I was, and I hated myself, hated the life I was living. It was easy to be depressed back then, when all I had was moving through every day to get to the end of it, so I could sleep again. Even my friends, as good as they may have seen now, were all so wrapped up in their problems, and none of us understood each other. There was no shared pain, and we all suffered for it. Back then the tiredness seeped into the bones of my face, entangling cordage and muscle, pulling a weight on my eyelids. I was never ready to get up then.

Now, I struggle to escape my mattress in entirely different ways. As I lay there, just reviewing the contents of my mind, I wish I could spring up, like a young person would, and land on their feet, and walk easily. Instead, I slowly pull my legs out of horizontal sliding them up, feeling the creaking, the incoming pressure, accompanied by a dull pain. I brace myself against the bed, and against myself as well, and push my lower back into a U on the bed, to try to stretch some of the stiffness out of these muscles and joints.

When I feel I have waited long enough, I slide slowly towards the side of the bed, not slowly enough. A stab of brilliant pain runs through my left leg, paralizing my breath and my movement for a second, causing a low gasp to escape. This all to familiar pain I feel is like a stab of white lightning, a crushing pushing, like a needle is being inserted down my leg, down the whole length. It comes from my siatic nerves, rebelling against the incoming push of piriformis muscle tissue, a last holdout against the pain, which knows it can't escape but fights, like a riot completely surrounded by police who continue closing the circle tightly.

As this continues to happen, I pause, feet poised to fall off the bed, and as they slowly cascade off, I push down with my elbows, trying for once to pull myself up straight, to avoid the pain. Let the nerve continue its riot just once please; the police are too good at what they do. Once I am finally in a sitting positiong, I relax for a moment, pushing out with my stomach, feeling the pressure against my thighs, the pulling, the almost stabbing crushing burning tingling pain. In one movement, I am up, hip sockets finally poping back into place, or near it.

Once again, I've made it out of bed with great difficulty. There are days I worry I will never make it, that I will just lay there till someone finds me. I keep a phone nearby, just in case.

"A butterfly flaps its wings...."

I was thinking about the past 3 1/2 years of my life just a few moments ago. I was thinking about how, in October of 2004, I was on the forum of a certain webcomic. I was fresh into college, and this was the first period of my life where internet was an easy resource. One day, I found this thread. This particular member had posted something about discordianism, and I PMed him about it. Shortly after, I was searching the web, and came upon PD.com. The things I learned there over the next couple months opened my mind to a miriad of possibilities, new interests, and the person who I was in highschool began to erode away. In 2005, I joined EB&G, and learned more about myself. This was a long process of growth, but the friends I have here have aided it so much. Then it was early 2006, and I met Rev. Michal, my best and closest friend, family to me. It was by hir impulse that I finally figured out I was genderqueer, and as I look back, I can see points in my life where it would have been obvious to anyone that I was, but I didn't know it, and would have denied it. More recently, Michal directed me to this transgender webforum, where I met Sam, wonderful Sam, whom I love so much. Sam, prodding me, got me to join the GSA on campus, to open myself up to other people; his own activism was largely my impulse. And so, last week wednesday, I went to the GLBT group, and there I met Jacob, another genderqueer (from my past actually, but I barely remember hir) and others too. A group of people to understand me, to share pain with.


If I had never PMed that person, I would have never joined PD.com.

If I had never joined PD.com, I would have never met Michal.

If I had never met Michal, I would have never realized I am genderqueer.

If I haddn't figured out I was genderqueer, Michal would have never suggested me to the transgender forum.

If I had never gone to that forum, I would have never met Sam.

If I had never met Sam, I would have never gone to GSA last week.

And if I had not gone to GSA last week, and met Jacob, I would have not ended up in hir arms today, crying myself dry and shaking, harder than I have in many many years, releasing 22 years of pain, or actually, a small fragment. There will be more times like that in the near future, I guarantee it, as I have many more tears to shed, and I passed out, hyperventilating, safe in hir arms, before I could cry them all.


I left out lots of things, lots of people that worked in synergy with these events, all the things I learned, that made me the person I am today. But they are there, and the people in the audience who took part, you know who you are, and I thank you.

So, you see, the person I am today, over three years of growth and living, is largely dependent on one event, one personal message, in October of 2004.

If I had never read that thread, never sent that PM, I would not be the person I am today.

Two reactions to a cripple with a cane:

Sympathy, that borders on awkwardness, and aversion.

Truthfully, I like the second better than the first. Its a benefit to know that one could wear bizarrely outrageous clothing, or act in an absurd manner, and as long as you're limping along with a cane, no one touches you, bothers you, stops you to harass you, unless they are TRUE assholes. Most people are uncomfortable with those who are "differentially-abled" (fuck that word; I wear my cripple pride like a big star). But even the harassment from assholes doesn't last long. Most people look down on those that would bother a cripple, especially the sympathetic.

I guess I can't complain too much about them, they mean well, or they are just trained by society to have that nurturing want to look out for people "less fortunate". I can't complain about people wanting to open doors for me, I do the same for other people, whether or not its been a bad day. But I do have my pride dammit. I don't want to ask for help usually, and unless I truly can't do something myself, I do it myself. If I fall down, I WILL get up, barring apocalypse, and unless I say "could you please lend me your hand for a moment", I want to jam my cane against the ground, and pull myself up it, by myself. It takes alot of inner strength to get out of bed some mornings, but I pull it off. And these people with this awkward sympathy, often they see only the cane, and the gimp legs, and the cripple back, when I am so much more than that. No, I won't humble myself, I know what I am capable of.

I can see where some cripples feel differently, they like the attention, or they need the help. But I don't need the help, and I've spent 19 years of my life trying to get attention. I've had enough of attention getting for the wrong reasons. And then, the well meaning, awkward questions, which I don't mind from people who are close to me, but from the random passers, the ones who knew me from highschool, asking "what the hell happened to you!?", and I know they don't really mean it, don't really care, just want to affirm themselves that it can't happen to them. I have the whole speel written out in my mind, exactly how to say it, same thing every time, how to reply to the comments of sympathy, to the people who wouldn't have stopped to say hello otherwise, because all they see is the cane. Friends tell me it makes me distinctive in a crowd, and I guess thats true. But when your entire image is focused down to a length of scratched and dented aluminum, I don't know if its a good thing to have that distinction.

What could be worse? The days I feel well enough to go without the cane, people ask me why I'm not using it. Like its an inseparable part of my body, as important as my heart and lungs.

Ignore the cane, people. Its not me; look at my face, see my smile? The pain makes me stronger, makes me realize most what I love about life, and the cane is MY reminder, not yours, of who I am.