Dear Mom,
I am not one for confrontation. In actuality, I hate it, hate the argument, the feeling of heated stress, the lack of stability in words that simply pour from my mouth without thought. So, I am silent about many things, about my life, about what is important to me, because I find that if I act spontaneously, I make more more mistakes and hurt more people. On the other hand, I hurt people just as often because I fear their judgment, and hold myself back from making who I am known, littering relationships with half truths, not lies, but not the heart of the matter either.
I am writing this because I have been struggling with wanting to tell you these things, some for several years now, others more recent. In my cowardice, and my inability to confront you directly, I am taking the “easy”way out (far harder than you might believe actually) and sending you this email instead of just talking with you. Please understand, I love you, and I want you to know, even if the result is finding out you do not believe me, or that you hate me for what I am. I am sending this to you and not dad because I feel closer to you, and I feel I can communicate these things more easily to you. I of course want to open the chain of communication with dad eventually, but for now, I ask you to please keep these things between you and me.
I guess I should start with the easiest thing for me to tell you, the thing that seems simple bye comparison to everything else. It used to be the most difficult thing that I ever thought I would tell you, but now it is easy. Mom, I'm bisexual. Well, that's not completely true. Bisexuality only accounts for attraction to the binary, to males and females. However, I have the potential to be attracted to people outside of that binary as well, to gender variants, to androgynes and genderqueers, and other identifications. I use the word pansexual to describe myself because it accounts for all these different people.
I've known I wasn't straight for about three years now, since I started college, more of less. I found myself attracted to both men and women, and now I know I can be attracted to anyone. You may find this strange, but it is as easy for me as seeing. I simply feel attraction to people regardless of what they have in their pants. I hope this is not too hard of a thing for you to understand, Mom. It was a very easy realization for me, and if you have trouble with this, the rest of my writing here will be that much more difficult for you. Take a break before you go on if you need to. Please don't call me though, don't talk to me until you have finished this. I need to get all these things onto paper, in one clump, in one thought process, or else the explanation will be that much more difficult for me. I have found recently that writing has become easier and easier, as I have posted at least 500 words on my blog everyday for the past two weeks. I am getting proficient at letting the thoughts flow and not worrying too much, and good things come out of it.
But moving on.
The second most easy realization for me to tell you may seem like it contradicts the last one. I assure you, it doesn't. I have discovered recently that I am asexual. I am simply not attracted to people sexually, I feel no want nor need for sex. Even kissing is something I wouldn't do casually. This does not mean I am not attracted to people; I am, and very much so, just not in a sexual way, which I guess is different that what most people think of as attraction. I find it so wonderful to be able to break these down into different types, to emotional (of emotional charisma and content, for emotional intuition, and a shoulder to cry on), intellectual (of mind, and of stimulating thoughts and ideas, and conversation), sensual (for touch, of which I am often deprived, and cuddling), aesthetic (for beauty of human form, in a very aware but nonsexual way), and romantic (as in relationships, dating, and maybe further).
I am not saying, Mom, that I could never have sex with a person, that I find it so totally vile and disgusting. This is not true. What I am saying is I wouldn't want it personally for my own benefit, but only the benefit of my partner, and out of love for them. It would make me happy, because it would make them happy. I would need to be in a deep relationship with someone to make that decision; it is not something I would do lightly.
If you understand the the previous two things, then perhaps it would not be so difficult for you to be okay with the next thing. Also a recent discovery, something that could have saved me years of bad relationships, is that I am polyamourous. This simply means that my love is difficult to contain for only one person at a time. In combination with not realizing how unimportant sex was to me, I made some bad decisions, some things that I regret. I had relationships for all the wrong reasons; I shouldn't even have had them in the first place.
Polyamoury isn't what a relationship is, its what a person is. In general, I love the ones I am close to very deeply, and don't focus on one person all the time. For me it is much healthier than the alternative.
You may be of the opinion that such people are sluts, and for some that may be true. But I am a person who is very careful about who I get close to, and I have no sexual inclinations. In general, being asexual, pansexual and polyamourous means that I really enjoy cuddling, and tend to do it and form relationships with several people at a time, being honest with myself and others. Thats the extent of it. And its not to say I couldn't form a long lasting relationship with people either. I can, and I will, but I am also aware of how people change, and how relationships seldom last forever. I am happy coming to these realizations of who I am.
I think I've gotten off track here. Mom, I've just assumed you are keeping up with me, that you at least are comprehending what you read. The next thing I want to tell you makes all the other realizations seem simple. I don't want to shock you, and if you've really been paying attention, maybe you already had a clue. I just first want to say I love you Mom, I don't want to hurt you, and whatever you think of me after this, I will still love you. Please don't hate me for what I am about to tell you.
I'm transgendered. I know you have always thought of me as a boy but I'm not a boy. But then, I'm not a girl either. I'm something in-between, something other, a gender variant outside the gender binary of man and woman. I figured out I was something other, a androgyne or genderqueer, about a year ago, last November. Over time this has become more and more obvious as everything about me has become a mixture of male and female, to the point where I really can't separate the two. I know you probably don't understand what this means...I'm sorry. I'm not an activist like my genderqueer friend Jacob, I don't have a speech down pat, I have trouble with these things, so I have to try to work my way around the subject to help you understand.
I guess the first thing that should be said is that I am not a transsexual. A transsexual is a person who feels they are the opposite gender that they were assigned from birth. I don't feel that way, I don't feel I am a woman, I don't desire to live as a woman, I don't want to have an operation. My dysphoria, my discomfort with my body, is not like that. However I don't want to be a man either. I don't want to be either of the binaries, and yet I am both of them too. Its difficult to explain; I don't fully understand what I am either. At least understand that I am not a transsexual.
Nor am I a crossdresser. The pants I purchased last Saturday, and those jeans I have had, they are female gendered, and that dark sage button down blouse that I always seem to wear out bar hopping and to restaurants, and some clothing I purchased in Madison this summer. I am not a crossdresser, because a crossdresser not transgendered. . Who I am isn't some kind of kinky sexual thing either, not that I am into sex in the first place. This is about gender, this is about who and what I am, and I'm not doing it to get my kicks, though I am not unhappy with being gender variant either.
I've thought about whether things would have been different if I had a female body (and I realized just lat night that I've been thinking about this since I 14, or maybe earlier). I know they wouldn't be, that I am truly in-between, that I would feel just as out of place living as a female as I do as a male. Either I pretend to be something as I am not, and people see me as a rather effeminate male, or a rather tomboyish female, or I just embrace who I am, something in-between, something other.
You should know that I have wished that I could be normal, be a cisgendered person, who is okay with the gender that people thought they were from birth. But I'm not, I'm sorry. I can't be that person. When I look back, it should have been obvious I was genderqueer. Remember in high school, when I suddenly started growing my hair out for no reason? Remember how all my friends were female? Remember how emotional I was, and how I seemed to get called a girl by people all the time? I remember other things that you likely don't.; Like the kind person I was when I was really young, or the things I said in high school, like “I'm a lesbian” and “some days I think I'm a girl in a boys body”. Or even, when talking to a long haired young man “if anyone is a girl here, its me”. I didn't know why I said those things. Not until now. Or how about when I started plucking my eyebrows? Maybe you remember that. I know I shaved my legs at one point, and I still don't remember the reason I thought up at the time. There were other more embarrassing things...I think I will keep them to myself.
Do you remember last summer, when we went down to Madison together, and stopped at the McDonald's, and I passed as female for the woman at the window, and when we pulled away, I was all smiles? I was just happy to be read as something different as male, even if the word “miss” doesn't fit right for me. You should know that being called “he” doesn't feel right for me anymore. (I came back and typed this in after we ate dinner on thanksgiving: Maybe you remember me cringing every time someone called me “he”. I've been doing that a lot recently). I prefer gender neutral pronouns, sie (see) and hir (hear) instead of he and his or she and her. I don't ever expect you to use them...after so many years of thinking of me as a boy that is just too hard. I understand. I even have trouble with them sometimes. But my close friends all use the for me when they can remember. I also found that the name Zach didn't fit me anymore. You know the name I chose for myself already, Kaimialana, and all my close friends call me Kai now, to the point that I sometimes forget that people call me Zach. I've actually walked up to my room door in the dorms and seen the name Zach pasted on it, and thought I was at the wrong place! Don't worry, I don't expect you to either, nor am I going to change my name. My legal name will remain the same, but I really do prefer Kai. (Kaimi: Hawaiian name meaning “seeker”. Alana: Hawaiian name meaning “awakening” or “offering”. The first is traditionally given to males and the second traditionally given to females, but all Hawaiian names are actually gender neutral. Kai means “the sea”. I don't know if I've told you this before, but I thought you should know.)
(Its Friday night. Did you notice how I could help but pause when you called me Zach, or “he”, when I came up and hugged you, and I just couldn't talk for a moment? I'm sorry, I really try to keep this to myself. Please don't think I'm trying to get attention. I've been keeping my sexuality from you for three years now, and my gender for two. Please understand I need to be open with you now, I needed to the whole time, but I was such a coward, and I still am. I'm passing coming out of the closet (or whatever I'm in...stadium, maybe?) off on email, hoping I can say everything better.)
I don't know how much more to tell you right now. Its Wednesday night at 930 (and this is Thursday night when I edited this), and I feel tired. Yes, this is what I was typing when you walked in. Maybe you can understand why I looked surprised and awkward now. I was trying to explain to you all these things. Maybe you understand why I want to shop for clothing by myself now. I am trying to build a wardrobe that fits me, as who I am, mixed male and female and also neither. If you came with we would both just feel awkward, I think.(And here I am editing on Friday, while you are out shopping. I kept thinking, maybe I could come with, maybe it wouldn't feel awkward, maybe you would forgive me for wanting to try on those pants and that blouse, or match male gendered shirt with female trousers, or gazing off at that dark green skirt, the long vibrant but plain one, wishing I could wear it...) Maybe we can talk about it later. I would love to have that talk with you.
I'm sorry if you are upset with me. I was fearful to tell you these things because I didn't know how you would react, had no idea what you would think of me. I am writing this hoping for the best, and bracing myself for the worst. I'm sorry if you hate me for what I am. I love who and what I am, and I'm not going to change. I'm sorry if you think this is lying, or is a phase, or it is just trying to get attention. I have been this person all my life, and just figured it out a year ago, and have been transitioning into it ever since; it is not just something I decided would be fun. I feel lots of fear. I've been hiding from you, hiding from other people, because I'm different, because the 20th, last Tuesday, was the transgender day of remembrance, the day when my people remember our dead, those who were murdered out of transphobia, of hate, of prejudice.
But I am strong too. I know who and what I am, although the details may be difficult to explain. I am gaining confidence. I am becoming less afraid day by day. One of the big things holding me back is that I have been hiding from you, from dad, from lots of people. Its time for me to stop hiding, at least to the ones I love. I want to be able to talk to you about all kinds of stuff, I want to hug Dad, give him a real hug and not feel awkward. Maybe you always wanted a daughter, and now you know you have one, well, sort of... So talk to me about these things, please, I want to be your daughter too, I want to be able to share all parts of myself with you.
When you finish reading this, please give yourself some time to think. And then, please reply Mom, please email me or call me or something. It should be Monday when you get this...you know where I am.
I love you.
Your child,
____ Kaimialana “Kai” ____ _____
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