Bras and Breasts

So, as I said before, I have bras now. They are relatively comfortable, and I don't really notice I am wearing one. I thought it would be more of a torture actually. And they accentuate my femme features, which can be nice depending on the day.

However, my breasts are being more of a problem. It has been 44 days since I started, and I'm seeing some changes in one side of my chest, but much slower or not at all in the other. I was really worried about this, until I searched for some female puberty information. I found that breasts regularly grow at different rates, with one slower than the other, and I might find one nipple budding and sore before the other.

I didn't know this stuff! No one sat down with me when I was eleven or so and said "Kai, when people get to a certain age, stuff happens to your body..." and so on. I'm doing this on my own, and not having anyone to ask and share experience with makes it scary sometimes. I know now that its normal, but I wish I would have known before getting stressed out about it, I wish I had someone to really talk to about this stuff, to share the experience with.

Tendinitis and Roommates

It seems I have strained my left index finger to inflammation, and now it is immobile in a splint. I am completly unable to play guitar but I remarkably have adapted to typing with only 9 fingers and making minimal mistakes; my left middle finger has taken over the job of the index. I'm not sure exactly what caused it: was it playing too much guitar last week, or maybe typing too much, or perhaps as simple as gripping my cane too hard last thursday night when I was wearing gloves and the handle was slipping. In any case, it doesn't look as if I am going to be playing guitar any time soon, as any pressure on the tip or along the outside lateral or ventral side between the distal and medial join causes pain.

After realizing my roommate didn't notice me wearing a bra last night, I finally just told him the whole shebang at lunch today, about the bra, about the hormones, everything. He just shrugged it off, said it didn't really matter to him, and we went on talking like nothing happened. Seems weird for him to be so accepting, but I won't make a good situation bad by caring too much.

Funny, hes the first cisgender male I've told about the horomones in this town. I don't even know the guy that well....

Anyway, finger in a splint, roommate knows about me, going home in a couple days for Eat Till You Have Stomach Pain Day, parents still don't know anything about me.

Aftermath.

So, everything was leading up to saturday for the last couple weeks, and now I'm not sure what to do. My room is a mess, laundry needs to be folded, so I guess I could start there. Otherwise, I don't feel a pull in any direction, no to studying, nor reading, nor even getting mildly intoxicated. I feel calm. Its a new feeling for me, not to be sure of the next big thing.

Maybe a shower....and then lunch.

Bras, pants and clothing stores.

After weeks of talking about it, a friend of mine took me out to buy a bra. I had been anxious about this for quite a while, knowing it was coming, wondering about the awkwardness. However, with the extreme angst of gender neutral bathroom Friday behind me, and a hangover leaving my head swimming, I wasn't so worried. I felt great confidence that I could do this, paired with temperance caused by hangover, and a cisgendered female to help.

I'm very relieved I was able to do this with a friend, and that she was very respectful and excited for me, and totally understanding and not awkward about anything at all, Not even when she was teaching me how to put the bra on, and helping me make it work. Thank you so much for being there with me today.

Also, we just shopped around in general, something I've never done before. Not only are most of my clothes gifts from other people, but they are almost all rather masculine. I finally started to have fun when I stopped caring what people might think of me, or whether they approve or not. The only two easy options for people to understand would be a) a gay man shopping with a female friend or b) two female friends shopping together. people tend to simplify things like this, because believe it or not, they don't want to feel awkward either. As I understand from my friend, its awkward enough for any person to shop for underwear, female or otherwise. People tend to see what they wanted to see, and I didn't give a damn to correct them.

In the end, I purchased two 36A flexible bras, and two pair of pants that my friend said I looked good in. But the priceless thing was getting out and just having fun, and not being harassed a single time, and getting even more comfortable in my own skin.

Gender Neutral Bathrooms

A big issue for me anyway. I don't feel safe in a bathroom anymore unless I can lock myself in and be alone, and certainly not a shower. I don't want to think about what could happen if someone walked in on me when I'm not wearing a shirt; for a male bodied person (can I even use that word anymore?) to have breasts, even small ones, is something that gossip lives on. Not to mention my supreme fear of confrontation and harassment, of being accosted by ignorant cisgenders. I've heard the horror stories, just like any other spivak.

Today several people from the Gay-Straight Alliance and the GLBTQ Ad-hoc committee on campus and taped signs saying "Gender Neutral Bathrooms: Please be respectfull of this sign, do not remove it", and then inside the bathrooms information on the legislation that has been passed, and the reasons. I was so afraid of what might happen, so afraid that someone might stop and start harrassing us, so afraid that someone I didn't want to know about me would find out. Bringing the will power to get myself to do this was very difficult. I don't have confidence like Jacob, who was actually putting signs OVER the "Men/Womens" signs, something we were told not to do. Sie can be such a genderfuck, something I'm not.

I was able to do it for an hour, and thats all I could stand. The person I was paired off with was as non confrontational as I am, so it worked well for us, kinda. At least one of us didn't feel uncomfortable with what the other was doing. We got stopped once, for taping things up, because of something about tearing off paint with tape (though it was painters tape, it couldn't even wreck PAPER if you wanted it to). And then, we got stopped another time by the gender studies professor, who thought it was totally awesome what we were doing and applauded us. At least one prof is on our sides.

Its sad really. The GSA at large is a really transphobic organization. One of the advisors is a transphobe, which doesn't make any sense at all, and lots of the members are apparently. This needs to change, or I just won't go anymore. There are other ways to get involved with transfriendly people on campus without going through a bunch of transphobic gay men, which really, thats what it seems 80% of the organization is composed of.

Last night at the college feminists meeting, someone brought up a good point. They mentioned that calling the bathrooms "family bathrooms" would get across to people MUCH better than calling them gender neutral bathrooms, and that it would mean the same safety for us. However, some people, Jacob included, got a little indignant....I can understand how anyone wouldn't want the issues to get swept under the carpet, but for me, safety is safety, and I don't care whether its called handicapped accessible unisex, or family, or gender neutral, it all means the same to me: that I have somewhere that I can go that is SAFE to use the bathroom on campus.

And thats what is really important.

Physics followup.

As I thought, most of the test was relatively easy, except for a couple questions which I didn't quite make. One on recoil velocity of a 1500 kg canon set at 45 degrees firing a 10 kg ball at 200 m/s, another one about estimating the escape velocity of the moon from the escape velocity of the earth, knowing the mass and radius ratios, and, one about a crate with gravitational force of 40 N being pulled up a 5 m long incline plane (theta 37 degrees) where I had to find work of the frictional force (10 N). All three of those questions I had no idea how to solve. Otherwise, the rest of the test was things like, what are the units for joules (N*m), what is the position of a ball thrown straight up at so and so inital velocity at the highest point in the throw, converting revolutions/second into radians, and so on.

I think I will start going to discussion sessions from now on, there are things I don't know that I should, and I would rather do well in this class. My grandfather (who will not be named for security reasons) is a rather, well, I guess famous could be the correct word. Hes a rather famous physicist; his name is even on wikipedia. I have a sort of responsibility to do well, somewhat so I look good, but mostly so I can discuss things with him.

I wonder if my professor has ever heard of him...

So....physics...yeah

I have a physics test at 8 tomorrow morning, only 10 hours away. Despite the fact that I know I will do fine, I have no idea what is on the test, what material is covered, have not studied a bit. My notes are in disarray. I say I shower, sleep and wing it. I never have enough confidence in my abilities, and when I don't study I don't have problems getting by.

This is where I wish I could turn the worry switch to the off position.