I got "the talk" from some Christians.

I just spent what could have been a wonderful dinner dealing with a couple of Christian fundies. I thought everything would be okay at first. One of them decided to talk to me, and it was a nice conversation, and I just felt like, hey, heres some nice people. And then somehow the length of my hair got brought up, and I said it was part of my gender expression. I felt open and in good enough company to start talking about it, and we talked about my gender variance for a while. At some point I asked if they were uncomfortable, because thats something that people tend to be uncomfortable about, and I don't like to push who I am. And one said "I'm just hurting inside because its so hard for you because you aren't close to god" or something like that.

and it was a whole "....what?" moment

you know the kind.

And then they said something about how Satan is making me think I am that way, putting those thoughts in my head.

no, this is who I am, there is nothing wrong to me, there is nothing wrong with my gender expression, and I don't like the fact you are projecting your beliefs and values onto me

And the rest of dinner was arguing over bible passages. I tried to bring up the whole Elohim passage in genesis. You know the one, where the writer used both the female and male names of god. Elohim is masculine and feminine. I said I was both, "In their image Elohim created them, male and female Elohim created them". That I was created male and female in gods image.

And then they said "what are you saying that you are like god?" And I had to reply with "you just said that god is male, how can I be like god?" Not to mention that the verse says we were created in Elohim's image. Which confused them a bit.

I brought up the whole stoning of children line in Deuteronomy (or was it Numbers), and the taboo against shellfish, and asked, if its all about the New Testement then, if it is no longer relevant, and it obviously isn't, because you don't stone children nor is there a taboo on shellfish, then where did Jesus say anything about gender expression or sexual orientation?

And then of course they brought up Paul and the thing about malakoi arsenokoitai, which is always mistranslated as homosexuals but really means male temple prostitutes. I just kept asking where Jesus said anything about it. I said that Jesus was a rebel, had some good ideas, and died by the romans for a cause essentially.

They said he died for his father, and I said isn't god all of our fathers? They said, "does that mean you would die for him" and I said no, I don't believe in god.


I finally just told them that I was tired of people like them projecting their beliefs onto me, that there is nothing wrong with me, or my gender identity, that its not a product of Satan, and the only reason I'm upset is because I could have spent a nice dinner without any of that bullshit.

Also, I told them that I was annoyed because this thing happens over and over, with the same arguments used. The only time the bible mentions anything that could be misconstrued as talking bad about gender expression or homosexuality are 9 one liners, that were all mistranslated anyway.

At the end of it, I was nearly shaking, not because they had "shaken my footing", but because I hate confrontations, and I was upset that people who talked with me and were otherwise nice were bent on telling me that I'm a guy, and that any other thought is put there by Satan.

I'm STILL upset. In fact, they've gotten to me, and I've been crying because these people drew me in with apparent kindness and made me feel safe and I opened up to them, and then, they shat on my face, and said I love you afterwards. Its screwing me up inside. There is something really wrong with this....its like being jumped, except psychologically.

Heres what I've figured out: This same treatment I got today, this same "sympathy", it feels like the same bullshit I get when I walk with a cane. Instead of the whole "Oh, poor you, your body is crippled, you'll have trouble walking for the rest of your life, pity pity" vibe, its "Oh poor you, your being fed lies from satan, you'll be going to hell for your sins, pity pity". And its the same way for my sexuality too "Oh poor you, you likely got molested as a child and repressed it, you'll never have a truly fullfilling relationship, pity pity".

They are all the same. The motivations are the same, and they are all equally bullshit. Fuck them, I don't want their pity, I want their respect, or at least accepting curiosity, understanding or even aversion. Empathy is fine too, if they can muster some. But telling me "I'm hurting for you because you are so far from god"? FUCK no. Actually...

If Elohim is male and female AND neither, and I am all those things as well, doesn't that make me truly made in Elohim's image? In that case, maybe I'm some sort of chosen one. Yeah, thats more like it. Remember the Egyptians? Tornadoes of fire, plagues, days without sun, killing of the first born, and massive floods? Yeah.

D/N/T me and Elohim, bitches.

Caddisflies: Hydropsychidae

There has been a cry for more science. I can understand that. I've been a moody fuck recently, taking all my blog posts and turning them into a dropping ground for my emotional turmoil. Time for some entomophilly (some insect lovin').

The family Hydropsychidae is a large well distributed group of caddisflies. They are also my favorite, the one I have worked the most with, and the one that haunts my psychology the most. They are the net-seine spinning caddisflies, abundant in streams throughout most of the world.

The larva of a Hydropsychid is easily distinguished by the large number of filamentous gills on its abdominal segments, and by a fully sclerotised plate on the dorsum of each thoracic segment.

A typical hydropsychid:

http://www.sdgfp.info/Wildlife/Diversity/Digest%20Articles/caddis2.jpg (or would be if I could get the picture to work)

As I said, hydropsychids are abundant on stream bottoms throughout the world. They are retreat maker caddisflies, meaning they make a stationary hideaway out of debris and silk. An intricate seine net is positioned outside their retreat, facing into the current, and it looks very much like a fishnet. Debris and organisms are collected in the net, and depending upon the species, hydropsychs may be carnivores, herbivores, omnivores or dentritivores. The mesh size of the net tends to follow this trend: dentritivores have smaller mesh sizes while pretatory nets have larger mesh sizes. The mesh shape and size is also a function of the size and shape of the protrochantin, which is used in the spinning of the silk and net construction.

Hydropsychid larvae also have the unique ability among caddisflies to produce sound. They do this by rubbing their prothoracic legs along the underside of their heads, which have rows of stidulating ridges that produce a rasping sound. It is believed that this is used in territoriality in hydropsyches, as they are filter feeders and need a specific sized area in which to build their net retreats.

I think thats about all for now.

Study of Light.

I've gotten myself once again involved in something that is sucking me down. Best advice: get out now. Or at least back away for a while, forget about it for a time, unless it becomes truly pressing. There are other things (such as finals, 2 collections and a presentation) to do. Not to mention being 20-30 lb underweight, crippled, and getting an eye twitch. Up my sodium and nutrient intake to compensate for loss, up my calorie intake to gain wait, up my sleep to stop the eye twitch, up my exercise (without a cane) to help my back. Prolly should do some stretching too.

And stop spending so damn much time on the computer!

And I am stuck playing this song in my head, Estudio sin Luz, and with my hands, and my emotions, and writing another song, slowly, something that has been building for a year now and I finally have an outlet, some empty vessel that I have to pour the pieces into and a vision on wish to assemble it around, a new way of writing music for me. Usually I just play with assemblages of notes without vision and the song comes to me eventually, in pieces at first and then assembles itself as I continue but now, now I have the pieces and its up to me to make a conscious effort to do this, because I want it, I need to make it work, for some sort of acceptance on my part, to pour these emotions into, and to end this obsession of a lightless study. I need a study of light, not just WITH light. This is my goal.