Maximize/minimize

For whatever reason, I am having a total fascination with this physics class. I remember feeling this way when I was younger, reading Steven Hawkings for the first time, listen to my genius grandfather talk about relativity theory, learning about quantum mechanics and probability. Last semesters physics was dealing so much with objects on a larger scale, an ordinary scale. Collisions between objects from 1-1000 kilos are not all that interesting to me. Now, go down to the minute scale of elementary particle interactions, and I'm completly drawn into the discussion.

I guess its like what Dr. Bell said about deserts: "when it comes to scale, its about the very large, and the very small. The entire grand canyon view on a cloudless morning, or the tiniest drop of water from a seeping spring, keeping its own time". I'm enthrawled by that which is extraordinary to our experience, whether it be the moving of massive bodies through space, of planets or stars, or by things that are so obscure by their tiny size, such as protons and electrons.

Now, keep that idea and move into my personal field of biology. The same concept applies: the facination with the intercomplex workings of the entire biosphere composed of all the ecosystem relations, down to the small and "forgotten" organisms, even smaller to the inner workings of physiology. The ability for me to expand my mind and think of the world on a whole, and then minimize it to view the fluid structure of a cell membrane is important to me. It speaks of my understanding to the interconnectedness to the obscured (occult) in the world.

Seek and yet not forcing. 'cept, of course, when talking about newtons second law. *wink*

Herbarium is a cool guy. eh mounts plants and doesn't afraid of grasses.

So, we have a job in the herbarium, mounting plants this semester. Should be fun, and we get paid.

The process includes gluing pressed plant specimens onto archival stock paper, with lables. Some of the oldest specimen cards in the place are 200 years of age, so these things last if you do it right.

Did we mention the getting paid part?

This and agristology, the study of grasses, should make part of this balanced and complete semester. Or interesting, we mean.

So yeah, um....SCIENCE, right?

To be honest, I'm having trouble coming up with something specific to discuss right now. I have very little fodder for creativity at the moment as far as my classes are concerned. Except maybe for....

Today in Fisheries Management, we had a lecture on the history of fisheries management in Wisconsin, told by the former head of the fisheries program in the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources. He had been working in fisheries since the 40's; it was interesting to hear about the change in management plans from a first person perspective. What became even more apparent as the lecture went on, is that we as natural resource students only learn a small portion of the skills we need to be a good manager (of not only the resource, but the habitat and most importantly, of people). He was telling us that things are never clean cut in natural resources, that politics play a substantial role, and that alot of times if you are just damn good you can bypass and squirm your way into getting what you want to happen. For example, walleye reintroduction into the Fox River, post 1970's clean up. It was an unplanned thing, he just asked his upper management for 2 million walleye fingerlings, demanded almost, was persistant. It was something he really wanted to do. And then he went out in his own boat and dumped them in by hand over a weekend. Stocking seldom works as well as people used to think it did, but in this case it was a success. One man reintroduced a species of fish to a river over a weekend and it was sucessful.

Funny how that works. Seldom will it work the same way twice.

Back to school

Since my last semester ended and the subsequent isolation of my hometown and parent's house, quite a bit has happened.

Some of it I don't feel like talking much about.

Summary: I got rather drunk xmas day and told my neighbor about the hormones (as open as I am when I drink) which led to threatened blackmail and subsequent weeks of paranoia.

I had a psychological split which makes me a we, two voices, different facets of my personality. The arguing that took place during the first split period ( about a week) lead to me going off hormones. It was a nasty fight. It has also led me to get a therapist (something the modes decided was best, and I, as singular agree).

I finished all my graduate applications, came back to school, and am now looking forward to a visit from my SO.



The rest is messy and rather irrelevant. And suck. And isolation.

I hate that house.

I got "the talk" from some Christians.

I just spent what could have been a wonderful dinner dealing with a couple of Christian fundies. I thought everything would be okay at first. One of them decided to talk to me, and it was a nice conversation, and I just felt like, hey, heres some nice people. And then somehow the length of my hair got brought up, and I said it was part of my gender expression. I felt open and in good enough company to start talking about it, and we talked about my gender variance for a while. At some point I asked if they were uncomfortable, because thats something that people tend to be uncomfortable about, and I don't like to push who I am. And one said "I'm just hurting inside because its so hard for you because you aren't close to god" or something like that.

and it was a whole "....what?" moment

you know the kind.

And then they said something about how Satan is making me think I am that way, putting those thoughts in my head.

no, this is who I am, there is nothing wrong to me, there is nothing wrong with my gender expression, and I don't like the fact you are projecting your beliefs and values onto me

And the rest of dinner was arguing over bible passages. I tried to bring up the whole Elohim passage in genesis. You know the one, where the writer used both the female and male names of god. Elohim is masculine and feminine. I said I was both, "In their image Elohim created them, male and female Elohim created them". That I was created male and female in gods image.

And then they said "what are you saying that you are like god?" And I had to reply with "you just said that god is male, how can I be like god?" Not to mention that the verse says we were created in Elohim's image. Which confused them a bit.

I brought up the whole stoning of children line in Deuteronomy (or was it Numbers), and the taboo against shellfish, and asked, if its all about the New Testement then, if it is no longer relevant, and it obviously isn't, because you don't stone children nor is there a taboo on shellfish, then where did Jesus say anything about gender expression or sexual orientation?

And then of course they brought up Paul and the thing about malakoi arsenokoitai, which is always mistranslated as homosexuals but really means male temple prostitutes. I just kept asking where Jesus said anything about it. I said that Jesus was a rebel, had some good ideas, and died by the romans for a cause essentially.

They said he died for his father, and I said isn't god all of our fathers? They said, "does that mean you would die for him" and I said no, I don't believe in god.


I finally just told them that I was tired of people like them projecting their beliefs onto me, that there is nothing wrong with me, or my gender identity, that its not a product of Satan, and the only reason I'm upset is because I could have spent a nice dinner without any of that bullshit.

Also, I told them that I was annoyed because this thing happens over and over, with the same arguments used. The only time the bible mentions anything that could be misconstrued as talking bad about gender expression or homosexuality are 9 one liners, that were all mistranslated anyway.

At the end of it, I was nearly shaking, not because they had "shaken my footing", but because I hate confrontations, and I was upset that people who talked with me and were otherwise nice were bent on telling me that I'm a guy, and that any other thought is put there by Satan.

I'm STILL upset. In fact, they've gotten to me, and I've been crying because these people drew me in with apparent kindness and made me feel safe and I opened up to them, and then, they shat on my face, and said I love you afterwards. Its screwing me up inside. There is something really wrong with this....its like being jumped, except psychologically.

Heres what I've figured out: This same treatment I got today, this same "sympathy", it feels like the same bullshit I get when I walk with a cane. Instead of the whole "Oh, poor you, your body is crippled, you'll have trouble walking for the rest of your life, pity pity" vibe, its "Oh poor you, your being fed lies from satan, you'll be going to hell for your sins, pity pity". And its the same way for my sexuality too "Oh poor you, you likely got molested as a child and repressed it, you'll never have a truly fullfilling relationship, pity pity".

They are all the same. The motivations are the same, and they are all equally bullshit. Fuck them, I don't want their pity, I want their respect, or at least accepting curiosity, understanding or even aversion. Empathy is fine too, if they can muster some. But telling me "I'm hurting for you because you are so far from god"? FUCK no. Actually...

If Elohim is male and female AND neither, and I am all those things as well, doesn't that make me truly made in Elohim's image? In that case, maybe I'm some sort of chosen one. Yeah, thats more like it. Remember the Egyptians? Tornadoes of fire, plagues, days without sun, killing of the first born, and massive floods? Yeah.

D/N/T me and Elohim, bitches.

Caddisflies: Hydropsychidae

There has been a cry for more science. I can understand that. I've been a moody fuck recently, taking all my blog posts and turning them into a dropping ground for my emotional turmoil. Time for some entomophilly (some insect lovin').

The family Hydropsychidae is a large well distributed group of caddisflies. They are also my favorite, the one I have worked the most with, and the one that haunts my psychology the most. They are the net-seine spinning caddisflies, abundant in streams throughout most of the world.

The larva of a Hydropsychid is easily distinguished by the large number of filamentous gills on its abdominal segments, and by a fully sclerotised plate on the dorsum of each thoracic segment.

A typical hydropsychid:

http://www.sdgfp.info/Wildlife/Diversity/Digest%20Articles/caddis2.jpg (or would be if I could get the picture to work)

As I said, hydropsychids are abundant on stream bottoms throughout the world. They are retreat maker caddisflies, meaning they make a stationary hideaway out of debris and silk. An intricate seine net is positioned outside their retreat, facing into the current, and it looks very much like a fishnet. Debris and organisms are collected in the net, and depending upon the species, hydropsychs may be carnivores, herbivores, omnivores or dentritivores. The mesh size of the net tends to follow this trend: dentritivores have smaller mesh sizes while pretatory nets have larger mesh sizes. The mesh shape and size is also a function of the size and shape of the protrochantin, which is used in the spinning of the silk and net construction.

Hydropsychid larvae also have the unique ability among caddisflies to produce sound. They do this by rubbing their prothoracic legs along the underside of their heads, which have rows of stidulating ridges that produce a rasping sound. It is believed that this is used in territoriality in hydropsyches, as they are filter feeders and need a specific sized area in which to build their net retreats.

I think thats about all for now.

Study of Light.

I've gotten myself once again involved in something that is sucking me down. Best advice: get out now. Or at least back away for a while, forget about it for a time, unless it becomes truly pressing. There are other things (such as finals, 2 collections and a presentation) to do. Not to mention being 20-30 lb underweight, crippled, and getting an eye twitch. Up my sodium and nutrient intake to compensate for loss, up my calorie intake to gain wait, up my sleep to stop the eye twitch, up my exercise (without a cane) to help my back. Prolly should do some stretching too.

And stop spending so damn much time on the computer!

And I am stuck playing this song in my head, Estudio sin Luz, and with my hands, and my emotions, and writing another song, slowly, something that has been building for a year now and I finally have an outlet, some empty vessel that I have to pour the pieces into and a vision on wish to assemble it around, a new way of writing music for me. Usually I just play with assemblages of notes without vision and the song comes to me eventually, in pieces at first and then assembles itself as I continue but now, now I have the pieces and its up to me to make a conscious effort to do this, because I want it, I need to make it work, for some sort of acceptance on my part, to pour these emotions into, and to end this obsession of a lightless study. I need a study of light, not just WITH light. This is my goal.

D/N/T the cripple

I was walking to dinner a few minutes ago, when this person walked up to me. He was someone who had approached me before, and asked some stupid questions about me using a cane, something like "Is there a reason you use that, or do you just use it for fun?". Now, at that time I was very suprised; people don't normally ask rude shit like that. What I should have said was, "No, I use it to beat the shit outta people who annoy me, and now you're on the list." Instead, I said something like "...Its for my back...I have back problems"

So, tonight he comes along, and says this stupid line: "You know, you should think about getting a more pimpin cane to carry around."

Realizing it was the same guy as last time, I told him to shut up and go away. When he kept talking to me, I told him "SCREW OFF, SERIOUSLY". I don't take shit like this when I am in pain, and if I WASN'T in pain, I wouldn't be using a cane.

If he bothers me again, so help me I will beat the shit outta him with this cane, for my own personal enjoyment. At least I'll forget about the pain for a few minutes.

The full reply

In summary:

She still loves me, she needs time to come to terms with this, shes worried about me, both for my saftey and also that I will end up alone, she wonders where she went wrong as a parent, she says its not the right time to tell the rest of the family, and she thinks acedemia would be the safest place for me.

There is nothing wrong with the way she raised me; if she hadn't been a good parent, I would have never been open enough to accepted myself, and wouldn't had the courage to tell her all this.

Reply

Hi ___ I did read your email. need time to think about it before responding. I love you. mom

SHE STILL LOVES ME!!

No Reply

Nothing. Not even an acknowledgment.


Should I be worried?

Sending the letter.

The letter will be sent as soon as I return to school. No backing down.

Edit: Sent. Did I do the right thing?

My coming out letter

Dear Mom,

I am not one for confrontation. In actuality, I hate it, hate the argument, the feeling of heated stress, the lack of stability in words that simply pour from my mouth without thought. So, I am silent about many things, about my life, about what is important to me, because I find that if I act spontaneously, I make more more mistakes and hurt more people. On the other hand, I hurt people just as often because I fear their judgment, and hold myself back from making who I am known, littering relationships with half truths, not lies, but not the heart of the matter either.

I am writing this because I have been struggling with wanting to tell you these things, some for several years now, others more recent. In my cowardice, and my inability to confront you directly, I am taking the “easy”way out (far harder than you might believe actually) and sending you this email instead of just talking with you. Please understand, I love you, and I want you to know, even if the result is finding out you do not believe me, or that you hate me for what I am. I am sending this to you and not dad because I feel closer to you, and I feel I can communicate these things more easily to you. I of course want to open the chain of communication with dad eventually, but for now, I ask you to please keep these things between you and me.

I guess I should start with the easiest thing for me to tell you, the thing that seems simple bye comparison to everything else. It used to be the most difficult thing that I ever thought I would tell you, but now it is easy. Mom, I'm bisexual. Well, that's not completely true. Bisexuality only accounts for attraction to the binary, to males and females. However, I have the potential to be attracted to people outside of that binary as well, to gender variants, to androgynes and genderqueers, and other identifications. I use the word pansexual to describe myself because it accounts for all these different people.

I've known I wasn't straight for about three years now, since I started college, more of less. I found myself attracted to both men and women, and now I know I can be attracted to anyone. You may find this strange, but it is as easy for me as seeing. I simply feel attraction to people regardless of what they have in their pants. I hope this is not too hard of a thing for you to understand, Mom. It was a very easy realization for me, and if you have trouble with this, the rest of my writing here will be that much more difficult for you. Take a break before you go on if you need to. Please don't call me though, don't talk to me until you have finished this. I need to get all these things onto paper, in one clump, in one thought process, or else the explanation will be that much more difficult for me. I have found recently that writing has become easier and easier, as I have posted at least 500 words on my blog everyday for the past two weeks. I am getting proficient at letting the thoughts flow and not worrying too much, and good things come out of it.

But moving on.

The second most easy realization for me to tell you may seem like it contradicts the last one. I assure you, it doesn't. I have discovered recently that I am asexual. I am simply not attracted to people sexually, I feel no want nor need for sex. Even kissing is something I wouldn't do casually. This does not mean I am not attracted to people; I am, and very much so, just not in a sexual way, which I guess is different that what most people think of as attraction. I find it so wonderful to be able to break these down into different types, to emotional (of emotional charisma and content, for emotional intuition, and a shoulder to cry on), intellectual (of mind, and of stimulating thoughts and ideas, and conversation), sensual (for touch, of which I am often deprived, and cuddling), aesthetic (for beauty of human form, in a very aware but nonsexual way), and romantic (as in relationships, dating, and maybe further).

I am not saying, Mom, that I could never have sex with a person, that I find it so totally vile and disgusting. This is not true. What I am saying is I wouldn't want it personally for my own benefit, but only the benefit of my partner, and out of love for them. It would make me happy, because it would make them happy. I would need to be in a deep relationship with someone to make that decision; it is not something I would do lightly.

If you understand the the previous two things, then perhaps it would not be so difficult for you to be okay with the next thing. Also a recent discovery, something that could have saved me years of bad relationships, is that I am polyamourous. This simply means that my love is difficult to contain for only one person at a time. In combination with not realizing how unimportant sex was to me, I made some bad decisions, some things that I regret. I had relationships for all the wrong reasons; I shouldn't even have had them in the first place.

Polyamoury isn't what a relationship is, its what a person is. In general, I love the ones I am close to very deeply, and don't focus on one person all the time. For me it is much healthier than the alternative.

You may be of the opinion that such people are sluts, and for some that may be true. But I am a person who is very careful about who I get close to, and I have no sexual inclinations. In general, being asexual, pansexual and polyamourous means that I really enjoy cuddling, and tend to do it and form relationships with several people at a time, being honest with myself and others. Thats the extent of it. And its not to say I couldn't form a long lasting relationship with people either. I can, and I will, but I am also aware of how people change, and how relationships seldom last forever. I am happy coming to these realizations of who I am.

I think I've gotten off track here. Mom, I've just assumed you are keeping up with me, that you at least are comprehending what you read. The next thing I want to tell you makes all the other realizations seem simple. I don't want to shock you, and if you've really been paying attention, maybe you already had a clue. I just first want to say I love you Mom, I don't want to hurt you, and whatever you think of me after this, I will still love you. Please don't hate me for what I am about to tell you.

I'm transgendered. I know you have always thought of me as a boy but I'm not a boy. But then, I'm not a girl either. I'm something in-between, something other, a gender variant outside the gender binary of man and woman. I figured out I was something other, a androgyne or genderqueer, about a year ago, last November. Over time this has become more and more obvious as everything about me has become a mixture of male and female, to the point where I really can't separate the two. I know you probably don't understand what this means...I'm sorry. I'm not an activist like my genderqueer friend Jacob, I don't have a speech down pat, I have trouble with these things, so I have to try to work my way around the subject to help you understand.

I guess the first thing that should be said is that I am not a transsexual. A transsexual is a person who feels they are the opposite gender that they were assigned from birth. I don't feel that way, I don't feel I am a woman, I don't desire to live as a woman, I don't want to have an operation. My dysphoria, my discomfort with my body, is not like that. However I don't want to be a man either. I don't want to be either of the binaries, and yet I am both of them too. Its difficult to explain; I don't fully understand what I am either. At least understand that I am not a transsexual.

Nor am I a crossdresser. The pants I purchased last Saturday, and those jeans I have had, they are female gendered, and that dark sage button down blouse that I always seem to wear out bar hopping and to restaurants, and some clothing I purchased in Madison this summer. I am not a crossdresser, because a crossdresser not transgendered. . Who I am isn't some kind of kinky sexual thing either, not that I am into sex in the first place. This is about gender, this is about who and what I am, and I'm not doing it to get my kicks, though I am not unhappy with being gender variant either.

I've thought about whether things would have been different if I had a female body (and I realized just lat night that I've been thinking about this since I 14, or maybe earlier). I know they wouldn't be, that I am truly in-between, that I would feel just as out of place living as a female as I do as a male. Either I pretend to be something as I am not, and people see me as a rather effeminate male, or a rather tomboyish female, or I just embrace who I am, something in-between, something other.

You should know that I have wished that I could be normal, be a cisgendered person, who is okay with the gender that people thought they were from birth. But I'm not, I'm sorry. I can't be that person. When I look back, it should have been obvious I was genderqueer. Remember in high school, when I suddenly started growing my hair out for no reason? Remember how all my friends were female? Remember how emotional I was, and how I seemed to get called a girl by people all the time? I remember other things that you likely don't.; Like the kind person I was when I was really young, or the things I said in high school, like “I'm a lesbian” and “some days I think I'm a girl in a boys body”. Or even, when talking to a long haired young man “if anyone is a girl here, its me”. I didn't know why I said those things. Not until now. Or how about when I started plucking my eyebrows? Maybe you remember that. I know I shaved my legs at one point, and I still don't remember the reason I thought up at the time. There were other more embarrassing things...I think I will keep them to myself.

Do you remember last summer, when we went down to Madison together, and stopped at the McDonald's, and I passed as female for the woman at the window, and when we pulled away, I was all smiles? I was just happy to be read as something different as male, even if the word “miss” doesn't fit right for me. You should know that being called “he” doesn't feel right for me anymore. (I came back and typed this in after we ate dinner on thanksgiving: Maybe you remember me cringing every time someone called me “he”. I've been doing that a lot recently). I prefer gender neutral pronouns, sie (see) and hir (hear) instead of he and his or she and her. I don't ever expect you to use them...after so many years of thinking of me as a boy that is just too hard. I understand. I even have trouble with them sometimes. But my close friends all use the for me when they can remember. I also found that the name Zach didn't fit me anymore. You know the name I chose for myself already, Kaimialana, and all my close friends call me Kai now, to the point that I sometimes forget that people call me Zach. I've actually walked up to my room door in the dorms and seen the name Zach pasted on it, and thought I was at the wrong place! Don't worry, I don't expect you to either, nor am I going to change my name. My legal name will remain the same, but I really do prefer Kai. (Kaimi: Hawaiian name meaning “seeker”. Alana: Hawaiian name meaning “awakening” or “offering”. The first is traditionally given to males and the second traditionally given to females, but all Hawaiian names are actually gender neutral. Kai means “the sea”. I don't know if I've told you this before, but I thought you should know.)

(Its Friday night. Did you notice how I could help but pause when you called me Zach, or “he”, when I came up and hugged you, and I just couldn't talk for a moment? I'm sorry, I really try to keep this to myself. Please don't think I'm trying to get attention. I've been keeping my sexuality from you for three years now, and my gender for two. Please understand I need to be open with you now, I needed to the whole time, but I was such a coward, and I still am. I'm passing coming out of the closet (or whatever I'm in...stadium, maybe?) off on email, hoping I can say everything better.)

I don't know how much more to tell you right now. Its Wednesday night at 930 (and this is Thursday night when I edited this), and I feel tired. Yes, this is what I was typing when you walked in. Maybe you can understand why I looked surprised and awkward now. I was trying to explain to you all these things. Maybe you understand why I want to shop for clothing by myself now. I am trying to build a wardrobe that fits me, as who I am, mixed male and female and also neither. If you came with we would both just feel awkward, I think.(And here I am editing on Friday, while you are out shopping. I kept thinking, maybe I could come with, maybe it wouldn't feel awkward, maybe you would forgive me for wanting to try on those pants and that blouse, or match male gendered shirt with female trousers, or gazing off at that dark green skirt, the long vibrant but plain one, wishing I could wear it...) Maybe we can talk about it later. I would love to have that talk with you.

I'm sorry if you are upset with me. I was fearful to tell you these things because I didn't know how you would react, had no idea what you would think of me. I am writing this hoping for the best, and bracing myself for the worst. I'm sorry if you hate me for what I am. I love who and what I am, and I'm not going to change. I'm sorry if you think this is lying, or is a phase, or it is just trying to get attention. I have been this person all my life, and just figured it out a year ago, and have been transitioning into it ever since; it is not just something I decided would be fun. I feel lots of fear. I've been hiding from you, hiding from other people, because I'm different, because the 20^th, last Tuesday, was the transgender day of remembrance, the day when my people remember our dead, those who were murdered out of transphobia, of hate, of prejudice.

But I am strong too. I know who and what I am, although the details may be difficult to explain. I am gaining confidence. I am becoming less afraid day by day. One of the big things holding me back is that I have been hiding from you, from dad, from lots of people. Its time for me to stop hiding, at least to the ones I love. I want to be able to talk to you about all kinds of stuff, I want to hug Dad, give him a real hug and not feel awkward. Maybe you always wanted a daughter, and now you know you have one, well, sort of... So talk to me about these things, please, I want to be your daughter too, I want to be able to share all parts of myself with you.

When you finish reading this, please give yourself some time to think. And then, please reply Mom, please email me or call me or something. It should be Monday when you get this...you know where I am.

I love you.

Your child,

____ Kaimialana “Kai” ____ _____

Coming out and Leaving, separatly.

So, at least I'm writing. I'm typing something. My index finger is healing to the point I can type with it now. I'm on my way to coming out to my mom, and will be by monday. I'm excited and happy about that, in a sort of nervous tick way, wondering what will go through her mind, guessing the response she will show, wondering how long it will take before she calls me, and whether it will be in shock, in disbelief, in anger, or in calm understanding. (At this point, my index finger is hurting again, so I will stop using it. In many ways I have forgotten how anyway.)

What will we talk about? What questions will she ask? I considered calling Jacob, but I know that zhir mom is different from mine. What would she be thinking as she reads at the computer, plowing through my email in her new office. At least she may understand my need to be verbose: she is a librarian, a reader, a friend to the written word. The length will not bother her.

When I quit Susans.org, it was with the intent to still stay active with the people I once knew there. The new community is wonderful, non authoritarian, good people, MY people, as diverse as people can be, and as lovable as people should be. I even made up with one member, which surprises me. I am often surprised how people can come back to talk to me after I've barreled my way through an argument, after I've realized my stupidity and who I've wronged (because I hate wronging people as much as I hate being wrong), and apologize embarrassingly, because I know I must, I know I'm in fault, I hate that wrongness that comes with leaving myself the proud one, the non-guilty party, even though I am as guilty as the rest. I am just as surprised that people like me in the first place, that I am accepted, that I am loved, that I am succeeding socially not because I learned the tricks, what people want to see and hear, but because I just lay myself bare, blunt and opinionated, without tact, blundering through conversation, rambling along usually not knowing where I am going with a thought. For some reason, these people either suffer me, they pretend to be okay with my bad manners, or, weirdly, they actually LIKE me this way. Likewise, people think my writing is interesting, when I look at it, see the long runon sentences, the massive number of commas (QED), and think, who would want to ever read this but me?

Back to Susans.org...I quit there because I can't stand authoritarians. Its an interesting quality of the Internet to breed power hungry individuals who otherwise would not be bent on power. Perhaps this is because they are rather powerless in their everyday lives, and being the monarch of a forum, with absolute power to rule as they see fit, and a band of loyal subjects, newbies and the easily commanded, to hold court over, judge, jury, and banninator. How could those who are in power possibly do wrong? Do they not always claim they are there for the safety of their slav..ehem, subjects? (While in the back of your mind something has died because you submitted, an ape submitted to the thoughts and ideas of another. What ever happened to throwing feces?) What would the people of the Enlightenment think of how we have squandered our personal creativity for “temporary safety” even as we have this incredible technology that makes telephone seem from the middle ages and pen and paper ancient indeed?

I have heard that the administration reads personal messages from time to time, which for me is enough to warrant leaving. I have seen the administration delete threads which attempted to spread knowledge on wikipedia, and later understood this was because the administration wants to claim ownership, wants to have it written there first so that rule #18 can work in full effect. I have heard of people being banned for speaking out. Worst of all, I have heard of people, MY people, who were essentially told they don't exist. To me, this is the worst crime, to be told you don't exist and then stripped of any ability to speak out, to prove that you do, in fact, exist.

I'm done there, gone elsewhere, gone to a more acceptable place where I am can say what I wish. Perhaps they will eventually figure out what fools they are, and quit this business. Not likely.

Returning to coming out (of where, the closet? More like a stadium!). I can't back out anymore, my mind is set. There will be that giant drop of stomach as I click send, and then massive overwhelming relief as I realize that the motions are truly set in place, and all I can do is go with it. This inertia is very effective in helping me get things done, because it allows no room for waffling, for indecision. With the understanding of the inevitable comes a sense of calm, of relief, because one at least doesn't have to wonder what next, the what next has been decided, and all one can do is wait. Even now I 'm wondering, becoming indecisive, knowing that this event is a coin on edge resting on the point of a pin, balanced on a finger; there WILL be a result, and it will likely be immediate. It may be an explosion that rips my life apart and leaves me stranded. It may be a quiet wind of peace that sweeps me up and drives me forward, to where I want to be. SOMETHING will happen.

I am right to understand how pivotal this is.

Two more days of waiting. Two more days in the stadium, pretending I'm something I'm not. Yay for pretending to be male! I am so sick of hiding, so sick of worrying whether someone will find out, whether my mom will somehow figure it out on her own but incorrectly, whether I will just loose it, suddenly start shouting “I'm here I'm genderqueer, and I'm doing fine!”

Maybe I should do that anyway, at some point. Should be good for a momentary awkward laugh.

No backing down.

I finally decided I'm not going to put things off anymore. Since I have discovered that I am too much of a coward to tell my mom straight up, I am going to send her an email which I am drafting right now. That email will be sent when I return to school on sunday. I will post it here when I feel it is ready.

No backing out now.

So, turkey day...

Going home now. Prolly gonna tell my parents most of everything, except about the hormones. We'll see what happens. I'm tired of hiding. I'll make some posts to spam when I get back online on sunday.

Lets see if I can not be a coward and pull this off.

Bras and Breasts

So, as I said before, I have bras now. They are relatively comfortable, and I don't really notice I am wearing one. I thought it would be more of a torture actually. And they accentuate my femme features, which can be nice depending on the day.

However, my breasts are being more of a problem. It has been 44 days since I started, and I'm seeing some changes in one side of my chest, but much slower or not at all in the other. I was really worried about this, until I searched for some female puberty information. I found that breasts regularly grow at different rates, with one slower than the other, and I might find one nipple budding and sore before the other.

I didn't know this stuff! No one sat down with me when I was eleven or so and said "Kai, when people get to a certain age, stuff happens to your body..." and so on. I'm doing this on my own, and not having anyone to ask and share experience with makes it scary sometimes. I know now that its normal, but I wish I would have known before getting stressed out about it, I wish I had someone to really talk to about this stuff, to share the experience with.

Tendinitis and Roommates

It seems I have strained my left index finger to inflammation, and now it is immobile in a splint. I am completly unable to play guitar but I remarkably have adapted to typing with only 9 fingers and making minimal mistakes; my left middle finger has taken over the job of the index. I'm not sure exactly what caused it: was it playing too much guitar last week, or maybe typing too much, or perhaps as simple as gripping my cane too hard last thursday night when I was wearing gloves and the handle was slipping. In any case, it doesn't look as if I am going to be playing guitar any time soon, as any pressure on the tip or along the outside lateral or ventral side between the distal and medial join causes pain.

After realizing my roommate didn't notice me wearing a bra last night, I finally just told him the whole shebang at lunch today, about the bra, about the hormones, everything. He just shrugged it off, said it didn't really matter to him, and we went on talking like nothing happened. Seems weird for him to be so accepting, but I won't make a good situation bad by caring too much.

Funny, hes the first cisgender male I've told about the horomones in this town. I don't even know the guy that well....

Anyway, finger in a splint, roommate knows about me, going home in a couple days for Eat Till You Have Stomach Pain Day, parents still don't know anything about me.

Aftermath.

So, everything was leading up to saturday for the last couple weeks, and now I'm not sure what to do. My room is a mess, laundry needs to be folded, so I guess I could start there. Otherwise, I don't feel a pull in any direction, no to studying, nor reading, nor even getting mildly intoxicated. I feel calm. Its a new feeling for me, not to be sure of the next big thing.

Maybe a shower....and then lunch.

Bras, pants and clothing stores.

After weeks of talking about it, a friend of mine took me out to buy a bra. I had been anxious about this for quite a while, knowing it was coming, wondering about the awkwardness. However, with the extreme angst of gender neutral bathroom Friday behind me, and a hangover leaving my head swimming, I wasn't so worried. I felt great confidence that I could do this, paired with temperance caused by hangover, and a cisgendered female to help.

I'm very relieved I was able to do this with a friend, and that she was very respectful and excited for me, and totally understanding and not awkward about anything at all, Not even when she was teaching me how to put the bra on, and helping me make it work. Thank you so much for being there with me today.

Also, we just shopped around in general, something I've never done before. Not only are most of my clothes gifts from other people, but they are almost all rather masculine. I finally started to have fun when I stopped caring what people might think of me, or whether they approve or not. The only two easy options for people to understand would be a) a gay man shopping with a female friend or b) two female friends shopping together. people tend to simplify things like this, because believe it or not, they don't want to feel awkward either. As I understand from my friend, its awkward enough for any person to shop for underwear, female or otherwise. People tend to see what they wanted to see, and I didn't give a damn to correct them.

In the end, I purchased two 36A flexible bras, and two pair of pants that my friend said I looked good in. But the priceless thing was getting out and just having fun, and not being harassed a single time, and getting even more comfortable in my own skin.