The Pseudo-Buddhaodiscordo-Pastafarian

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2008-01-28T08:17:00.001-08:00

For whatever reason, I am having a total fascination with this physics class. I remember feeling this way when I was younger, reading Steven Hawkings for the first time, listen to my genius grandfather talk about relativity theory, learning about quantum mechanics and probability. Last semesters physics was dealing so much with objects on a larger scale, an ordinary scale. Collisions between objects from 1-1000 kilos are not all that interesting to me. Now, go down to the minute scale of elementary particle interactions, and I'm completly drawn into the discussion.

I guess its like what Dr. Bell said about deserts: "when it comes to scale, its about the very large, and the very small. The entire grand canyon view on a cloudless morning, or the tiniest drop of water from a seeping spring, keeping its own time". I'm enthrawled by that which is extraordinary to our experience, whether it be the moving of massive bodies through space, of planets or stars, or by things that are so obscure by their tiny size, such as protons and electrons.

Now, keep that idea and move into my personal field of biology. The same concept applies: the facination with the intercomplex workings of the entire biosphere composed of all the ecosystem relations, down to the small and "forgotten" organisms, even smaller to the inner workings of physiology. The ability for me to expand my mind and think of the world on a whole, and then minimize it to view the fluid structure of a cell membrane is important to me. It speaks of my understanding to the interconnectedness to the obscured (occult) in the world.

Seek and yet not forcing. 'cept, of course, when talking about newtons second law. *wink*

Herbarium is a cool guy. eh mounts plants and doesn't afraid of grasses.

2008-01-24T13:28:00.000-08:00

So, we have a job in the herbarium, mounting plants this semester. Should be fun, and we get paid.

The process includes gluing pressed plant specimens onto archival stock paper, with lables. Some of the oldest specimen cards in the place are 200 years of age, so these things last if you do it right.

Did we mention the getting paid part?

This and agristology, the study of grasses, should make part of this balanced and complete semester. Or interesting, we mean.

2008-01-23T15:37:00.000-08:00

So yeah, um....SCIENCE, right?

To be honest, I'm having trouble coming up with something specific to discuss right now. I have very little fodder for creativity at the moment as far as my classes are concerned. Except maybe for....

Today in Fisheries Management, we had a lecture on the history of fisheries management in Wisconsin, told by the former head of the fisheries program in the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources. He had been working in fisheries since the 40's; it was interesting to hear about the change in management plans from a first person perspective. What became even more apparent as the lecture went on, is that we as natural resource students only learn a small portion of the skills we need to be a good manager (of not only the resource, but the habitat and most importantly, of people). He was telling us that things are never clean cut in natural resources, that politics play a substantial role, and that alot of times if you are just damn good you can bypass and squirm your way into getting what you want to happen. For example, walleye reintroduction into the Fox River, post 1970's clean up. It was an unplanned thing, he just asked his upper management for 2 million walleye fingerlings, demanded almost, was persistant. It was something he really wanted to do. And then he went out in his own boat and dumped them in by hand over a weekend. Stocking seldom works as well as people used to think it did, but in this case it was a success. One man reintroduced a species of fish to a river over a weekend and it was sucessful.

Funny how that works. Seldom will it work the same way twice.

Back to school

2008-01-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

Since my last semester ended and the subsequent isolation of my hometown and parent's house, quite a bit has happened.

Some of it I don't feel like talking much about.

Summary: I got rather drunk xmas day and told my neighbor about the hormones (as open as I am when I drink) which led to threatened blackmail and subsequent weeks of paranoia.

I had a psychological split which makes me a we, two voices, different facets of my personality. The arguing that took place during the first split period ( about a week) lead to me going off hormones. It was a nasty fight. It has also led me to get a therapist (something the modes decided was best, and I, as singular agree).

I finished all my graduate applications, came back to school, and am now looking forward to a visit from my SO.

The rest is messy and rather irrelevant. And suck. And isolation.

I hate that house.

I got "the talk" from some Christians.

2007-12-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

I just spent what could have been a wonderful dinner dealing with a couple of Christian fundies. I thought everything would be okay at first. One of them decided to talk to me, and it was a nice conversation, and I just felt like, hey, heres some nice people. And then somehow the length of my hair got brought up, and I said it was part of my gender expression. I felt open and in good enough company to start talking about it, and we talked about my gender variance for a while. At some point I asked if they were uncomfortable, because thats something that people tend to be uncomfortable about, and I don't like to push who I am. And one said "I'm just hurting inside because its so hard for you because you aren't close to god" or something like that.

and it was a whole "....what?" moment

you know the kind.

And then they said something about how Satan is making me think I am that way, putting those thoughts in my head.

no, this is who I am, there is nothing wrong to me, there is nothing wrong with my gender expression, and I don't like the fact you are projecting your beliefs and values onto me

And the rest of dinner was arguing over bible passages. I tried to bring up the whole Elohim passage in genesis. You know the one, where the writer used both the female and male names of god. Elohim is masculine and feminine. I said I was both, "In their image Elohim created them, male and female Elohim created them". That I was created male and female in gods image.

And then they said "what are you saying that you are like god?" And I had to reply with "you just said that god is male, how can I be like god?" Not to mention that the verse says we were created in Elohim's image. Which confused them a bit.

I brought up the whole stoning of children line in Deuteronomy (or was it Numbers), and the taboo against shellfish, and asked, if its all about the New Testement then, if it is no longer relevant, and it obviously isn't, because you don't stone children nor is there a taboo on shellfish, then where did Jesus say anything about gender expression or sexual orientation?

And then of course they brought up Paul and the thing about malakoi arsenokoitai, which is always mistranslated as homosexuals but really means male temple prostitutes. I just kept asking where Jesus said anything about it. I said that Jesus was a rebel, had some good ideas, and died by the romans for a cause essentially.

They said he died for his father, and I said isn't god all of our fathers? They said, "does that mean you would die for him" and I said no, I don't believe in god.

I finally just told them that I was tired of people like them projecting their beliefs onto me, that there is nothing wrong with me, or my gender identity, that its not a product of Satan, and the only reason I'm upset is because I could have spent a nice dinner without any of that bullshit.

Also, I told them that I was annoyed because this thing happens over and over, with the same arguments used. The only time the bible mentions anything that could be misconstrued as talking bad about gender expression or homosexuality are 9 one liners, that were all mistranslated anyway.

At the end of it, I was nearly shaking, not because they had "shaken my footing", but because I hate confrontations, and I was upset that people who talked with me and were otherwise nice were bent on telling me that I'm a guy, and that any other thought is put there by Satan.

I'm STILL upset. In fact, they've gotten to me, and I've been crying because these people drew me in with apparent kindness and made me feel safe and I opened up to them, and then, they shat on my face, and said I love you afterwards. Its screwing me up inside. There is something really wrong with this....its like being jumped, except psychologically.

Heres what I've figured out: This same treatment I got today, this same "sympathy", it feels like the same bullshit I get when I walk with a cane. Instead of the whole "Oh, poor you, your body is crippled, you'll have trouble walking for the rest of your life, pity pity" vibe, its "Oh poor you, your being fed lies from satan, you'll be going to hell for your sins, pity pity". And its the same way for my sexuality too "Oh poor you, you likely got molested as a child and repressed it, you'll never have a truly fullfilling relationship, pity pity".

They are all the same. The motivations are the same, and they are all equally bullshit. Fuck them, I don't want their pity, I want their respect, or at least accepting curiosity, understanding or even aversion. Empathy is fine too, if they can muster some. But telling me "I'm hurting for you because you are so far from god"? FUCK no. Actually...

If Elohim is male and female AND neither, and I am all those things as well, doesn't that make me truly made in Elohim's image? In that case, maybe I'm some sort of chosen one. Yeah, thats more like it. Remember the Egyptians? Tornadoes of fire, plagues, days without sun, killing of the first born, and massive floods? Yeah.

D/N/T me and Elohim, bitches.

Caddisflies: Hydropsychidae

2007-12-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

There has been a cry for more science. I can understand that. I've been a moody fuck recently, taking all my blog posts and turning them into a dropping ground for my emotional turmoil. Time for some entomophilly (some insect lovin').

The family Hydropsychidae is a large well distributed group of caddisflies. They are also my favorite, the one I have worked the most with, and the one that haunts my psychology the most. They are the net-seine spinning caddisflies, abundant in streams throughout most of the world.

The larva of a Hydropsychid is easily distinguished by the large number of filamentous gills on its abdominal segments, and by a fully sclerotised plate on the dorsum of each thoracic segment.

A typical hydropsychid:

http://www.sdgfp.info/Wildlife/Diversity/Digest%20Articles/caddis2.jpg (or would be if I could get the picture to work)

As I said, hydropsychids are abundant on stream bottoms throughout the world. They are retreat maker caddisflies, meaning they make a stationary hideaway out of debris and silk. An intricate seine net is positioned outside their retreat, facing into the current, and it looks very much like a fishnet. Debris and organisms are collected in the net, and depending upon the species, hydropsychs may be carnivores, herbivores, omnivores or dentritivores. The mesh size of the net tends to follow this trend: dentritivores have smaller mesh sizes while pretatory nets have larger mesh sizes. The mesh shape and size is also a function of the size and shape of the protrochantin, which is used in the spinning of the silk and net construction.

Hydropsychid larvae also have the unique ability among caddisflies to produce sound. They do this by rubbing their prothoracic legs along the underside of their heads, which have rows of stidulating ridges that produce a rasping sound. It is believed that this is used in territoriality in hydropsyches, as they are filter feeders and need a specific sized area in which to build their net retreats.

I think thats about all for now.

Study of Light.

2007-12-04T07:10:00.000-08:00

I've gotten myself once again involved in something that is sucking me down. Best advice: get out now. Or at least back away for a while, forget about it for a time, unless it becomes truly pressing. There are other things (such as finals, 2 collections and a presentation) to do. Not to mention being 20-30 lb underweight, crippled, and getting an eye twitch. Up my sodium and nutrient intake to compensate for loss, up my calorie intake to gain wait, up my sleep to stop the eye twitch, up my exercise (without a cane) to help my back. Prolly should do some stretching too.

And stop spending so damn much time on the computer!

And I am stuck playing this song in my head, Estudio sin Luz, and with my hands, and my emotions, and writing another song, slowly, something that has been building for a year now and I finally have an outlet, some empty vessel that I have to pour the pieces into and a vision on wish to assemble it around, a new way of writing music for me. Usually I just play with assemblages of notes without vision and the song comes to me eventually, in pieces at first and then assembles itself as I continue but now, now I have the pieces and its up to me to make a conscious effort to do this, because I want it, I need to make it work, for some sort of acceptance on my part, to pour these emotions into, and to end this obsession of a lightless study. I need a study of light, not just WITH light. This is my goal.

D/N/T the cripple

2007-11-30T16:08:00.000-08:00

I was walking to dinner a few minutes ago, when this person walked up to me. He was someone who had approached me before, and asked some stupid questions about me using a cane, something like "Is there a reason you use that, or do you just use it for fun?". Now, at that time I was very suprised; people don't normally ask rude shit like that. What I should have said was, "No, I use it to beat the shit outta people who annoy me, and now you're on the list." Instead, I said something like "...Its for my back...I have back problems"

So, tonight he comes along, and says this stupid line: "You know, you should think about getting a more pimpin cane to carry around."

Realizing it was the same guy as last time, I told him to shut up and go away. When he kept talking to me, I told him "SCREW OFF, SERIOUSLY". I don't take shit like this when I am in pain, and if I WASN'T in pain, I wouldn't be using a cane.

If he bothers me again, so help me I will beat the shit outta him with this cane, for my own personal enjoyment. At least I'll forget about the pain for a few minutes.

The full reply

2007-11-29T07:59:00.001-08:00

In summary:

She still loves me, she needs time to come to terms with this, shes worried about me, both for my saftey and also that I will end up alone, she wonders where she went wrong as a parent, she says its not the right time to tell the rest of the family, and she thinks acedemia would be the safest place for me.

There is nothing wrong with the way she raised me; if she hadn't been a good parent, I would have never been open enough to accepted myself, and wouldn't had the courage to tell her all this.

Reply

2007-11-28T07:46:00.000-08:00

Hi ___ I did read your email. need time to think about it before responding. I love you. mom

SHE STILL LOVES ME!!

No Reply

2007-11-27T07:32:00.000-08:00

Nothing. Not even an acknowledgment.

Should I be worried?

Sending the letter.

2007-11-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

The letter will be sent as soon as I return to school. No backing down.

Edit: Sent. Did I do the right thing?

My coming out letter

2007-11-23T19:36:00.001-08:00

Dear Mom,

I am not one for confrontation. In actuality, I hate it, hate the argument, the feeling of heated stress, the lack of stability in words that simply pour from my mouth without thought. So, I am silent about many things, about my life, about what is important to me, because I find that if I act spontaneously, I make more more mistakes and hurt more people. On the other hand, I hurt people just as often because I fear their judgment, and hold myself back from making who I am known, littering relationships with half truths, not lies, but not the heart of the matter either.

I am writing this because I have been struggling with wanting to tell you these things, some for several years now, others more recent. In my cowardice, and my inability to confront you directly, I am taking the “easy”way out (far harder than you might believe actually) and sending you this email instead of just talking with you. Please understand, I love you, and I want you to know, even if the result is finding out you do not believe me, or that you hate me for what I am. I am sending this to you and not dad because I feel closer to you, and I feel I can communicate these things more easily to you. I of course want to open the chain of communication with dad eventually, but for now, I ask you to please keep these things between you and me.

I guess I should start with the easiest thing for me to tell you, the thing that seems simple bye comparison to everything else. It used to be the most difficult thing that I ever thought I would tell you, but now it is easy. Mom, I'm bisexual. Well, that's not completely true. Bisexuality only accounts for attraction to the binary, to males and females. However, I have the potential to be attracted to people outside of that binary as well, to gender variants, to androgynes and genderqueers, and other identifications. I use the word pansexual to describe myself because it accounts for all these different people.

I've known I wasn't straight for about three years now, since I started college, more of less. I found myself attracted to both men and women, and now I know I can be attracted to anyone. You may find this strange, but it is as easy for me as seeing. I simply feel attraction to people regardless of what they have in their pants. I hope this is not too hard of a thing for you to understand, Mom. It was a very easy realization for me, and if you have trouble with this, the rest of my writing here will be that much more difficult for you. Take a break before you go on if you need to. Please don't call me though, don't talk to me until you have finished this. I need to get all these things onto paper, in one clump, in one thought process, or else the explanation will be that much more difficult for me. I have found recently that writing has become easier and easier, as I have posted at least 500 words on my blog everyday for the past two weeks. I am getting proficient at letting the thoughts flow and not worrying too much, and good things come out of it.

But moving on.

The second most easy realization for me to tell you may seem like it contradicts the last one. I assure you, it doesn't. I have discovered recently that I am asexual. I am simply not attracted to people sexually, I feel no want nor need for sex. Even kissing is something I wouldn't do casually. This does not mean I am not attracted to people; I am, and very much so, just not in a sexual way, which I guess is different that what most people think of as attraction. I find it so wonderful to be able to break these down into different types, to emotional (of emotional charisma and content, for emotional intuition, and a shoulder to cry on), intellectual (of mind, and of stimulating thoughts and ideas, and conversation), sensual (for touch, of which I am often deprived, and cuddling), aesthetic (for beauty of human form, in a very aware but nonsexual way), and romantic (as in relationships, dating, and maybe further).

I am not saying, Mom, that I could never have sex with a person, that I find it so totally vile and disgusting. This is not true. What I am saying is I wouldn't want it personally for my own benefit, but only the benefit of my partner, and out of love for them. It would make me happy, because it would make them happy. I would need to be in a deep relationship with someone to make that decision; it is not something I would do lightly.

If you understand the the previous two things, then perhaps it would not be so difficult for you to be okay with the next thing. Also a recent discovery, something that could have saved me years of bad relationships, is that I am polyamourous. This simply means that my love is difficult to contain for only one person at a time. In combination with not realizing how unimportant sex was to me, I made some bad decisions, some things that I regret. I had relationships for all the wrong reasons; I shouldn't even have had them in the first place.

Polyamoury isn't what a relationship is, its what a person is. In general, I love the ones I am close to very deeply, and don't focus on one person all the time. For me it is much healthier than the alternative.

You may be of the opinion that such people are sluts, and for some that may be true. But I am a person who is very careful about who I get close to, and I have no sexual inclinations. In general, being asexual, pansexual and polyamourous means that I really enjoy cuddling, and tend to do it and form relationships with several people at a time, being honest with myself and others. Thats the extent of it. And its not to say I couldn't form a long lasting relationship with people either. I can, and I will, but I am also aware of how people change, and how relationships seldom last forever. I am happy coming to these realizations of who I am.

I think I've gotten off track here. Mom, I've just assumed you are keeping up with me, that you at least are comprehending what you read. The next thing I want to tell you makes all the other realizations seem simple. I don't want to shock you, and if you've really been paying attention, maybe you already had a clue. I just first want to say I love you Mom, I don't want to hurt you, and whatever you think of me after this, I will still love you. Please don't hate me for what I am about to tell you.

I'm transgendered. I know you have always thought of me as a boy but I'm not a boy. But then, I'm not a girl either. I'm something in-between, something other, a gender variant outside the gender binary of man and woman. I figured out I was something other, a androgyne or genderqueer, about a year ago, last November. Over time this has become more and more obvious as everything about me has become a mixture of male and female, to the point where I really can't separate the two. I know you probably don't understand what this means...I'm sorry. I'm not an activist like my genderqueer friend Jacob, I don't have a speech down pat, I have trouble with these things, so I have to try to work my way around the subject to help you understand.

I guess the first thing that should be said is that I am not a transsexual. A transsexual is a person who feels they are the opposite gender that they were assigned from birth. I don't feel that way, I don't feel I am a woman, I don't desire to live as a woman, I don't want to have an operation. My dysphoria, my discomfort with my body, is not like that. However I don't want to be a man either. I don't want to be either of the binaries, and yet I am both of them too. Its difficult to explain; I don't fully understand what I am either. At least understand that I am not a transsexual.

Nor am I a crossdresser. The pants I purchased last Saturday, and those jeans I have had, they are female gendered, and that dark sage button down blouse that I always seem to wear out bar hopping and to restaurants, and some clothing I purchased in Madison this summer. I am not a crossdresser, because a crossdresser not transgendered. . Who I am isn't some kind of kinky sexual thing either, not that I am into sex in the first place. This is about gender, this is about who and what I am, and I'm not doing it to get my kicks, though I am not unhappy with being gender variant either.

I've thought about whether things would have been different if I had a female body (and I realized just lat night that I've been thinking about this since I 14, or maybe earlier). I know they wouldn't be, that I am truly in-between, that I would feel just as out of place living as a female as I do as a male. Either I pretend to be something as I am not, and people see me as a rather effeminate male, or a rather tomboyish female, or I just embrace who I am, something in-between, something other.

You should know that I have wished that I could be normal, be a cisgendered person, who is okay with the gender that people thought they were from birth. But I'm not, I'm sorry. I can't be that person. When I look back, it should have been obvious I was genderqueer. Remember in high school, when I suddenly started growing my hair out for no reason? Remember how all my friends were female? Remember how emotional I was, and how I seemed to get called a girl by people all the time? I remember other things that you likely don't.; Like the kind person I was when I was really young, or the things I said in high school, like “I'm a lesbian” and “some days I think I'm a girl in a boys body”. Or even, when talking to a long haired young man “if anyone is a girl here, its me”. I didn't know why I said those things. Not until now. Or how about when I started plucking my eyebrows? Maybe you remember that. I know I shaved my legs at one point, and I still don't remember the reason I thought up at the time. There were other more embarrassing things...I think I will keep them to myself.

Do you remember last summer, when we went down to Madison together, and stopped at the McDonald's, and I passed as female for the woman at the window, and when we pulled away, I was all smiles? I was just happy to be read as something different as male, even if the word “miss” doesn't fit right for me. You should know that being called “he” doesn't feel right for me anymore. (I came back and typed this in after we ate dinner on thanksgiving: Maybe you remember me cringing every time someone called me “he”. I've been doing that a lot recently). I prefer gender neutral pronouns, sie (see) and hir (hear) instead of he and his or she and her. I don't ever expect you to use them...after so many years of thinking of me as a boy that is just too hard. I understand. I even have trouble with them sometimes. But my close friends all use the for me when they can remember. I also found that the name Zach didn't fit me anymore. You know the name I chose for myself already, Kaimialana, and all my close friends call me Kai now, to the point that I sometimes forget that people call me Zach. I've actually walked up to my room door in the dorms and seen the name Zach pasted on it, and thought I was at the wrong place! Don't worry, I don't expect you to either, nor am I going to change my name. My legal name will remain the same, but I really do prefer Kai. (Kaimi: Hawaiian name meaning “seeker”. Alana: Hawaiian name meaning “awakening” or “offering”. The first is traditionally given to males and the second traditionally given to females, but all Hawaiian names are actually gender neutral. Kai means “the sea”. I don't know if I've told you this before, but I thought you should know.)

(Its Friday night. Did you notice how I could help but pause when you called me Zach, or “he”, when I came up and hugged you, and I just couldn't talk for a moment? I'm sorry, I really try to keep this to myself. Please don't think I'm trying to get attention. I've been keeping my sexuality from you for three years now, and my gender for two. Please understand I need to be open with you now, I needed to the whole time, but I was such a coward, and I still am. I'm passing coming out of the closet (or whatever I'm in...stadium, maybe?) off on email, hoping I can say everything better.)

I don't know how much more to tell you right now. Its Wednesday night at 930 (and this is Thursday night when I edited this), and I feel tired. Yes, this is what I was typing when you walked in. Maybe you can understand why I looked surprised and awkward now. I was trying to explain to you all these things. Maybe you understand why I want to shop for clothing by myself now. I am trying to build a wardrobe that fits me, as who I am, mixed male and female and also neither. If you came with we would both just feel awkward, I think.(And here I am editing on Friday, while you are out shopping. I kept thinking, maybe I could come with, maybe it wouldn't feel awkward, maybe you would forgive me for wanting to try on those pants and that blouse, or match male gendered shirt with female trousers, or gazing off at that dark green skirt, the long vibrant but plain one, wishing I could wear it...) Maybe we can talk about it later. I would love to have that talk with you.

I'm sorry if you are upset with me. I was fearful to tell you these things because I didn't know how you would react, had no idea what you would think of me. I am writing this hoping for the best, and bracing myself for the worst. I'm sorry if you hate me for what I am. I love who and what I am, and I'm not going to change. I'm sorry if you think this is lying, or is a phase, or it is just trying to get attention. I have been this person all my life, and just figured it out a year ago, and have been transitioning into it ever since; it is not just something I decided would be fun. I feel lots of fear. I've been hiding from you, hiding from other people, because I'm different, because the 20^th, last Tuesday, was the transgender day of remembrance, the day when my people remember our dead, those who were murdered out of transphobia, of hate, of prejudice.

But I am strong too. I know who and what I am, although the details may be difficult to explain. I am gaining confidence. I am becoming less afraid day by day. One of the big things holding me back is that I have been hiding from you, from dad, from lots of people. Its time for me to stop hiding, at least to the ones I love. I want to be able to talk to you about all kinds of stuff, I want to hug Dad, give him a real hug and not feel awkward. Maybe you always wanted a daughter, and now you know you have one, well, sort of... So talk to me about these things, please, I want to be your daughter too, I want to be able to share all parts of myself with you.

When you finish reading this, please give yourself some time to think. And then, please reply Mom, please email me or call me or something. It should be Monday when you get this...you know where I am.

I love you.

Your child,

____ Kaimialana “Kai” ____ _____

Coming out and Leaving, separatly.

2007-11-23T19:29:00.001-08:00

So, at least I'm writing. I'm typing something. My index finger is healing to the point I can type with it now. I'm on my way to coming out to my mom, and will be by monday. I'm excited and happy about that, in a sort of nervous tick way, wondering what will go through her mind, guessing the response she will show, wondering how long it will take before she calls me, and whether it will be in shock, in disbelief, in anger, or in calm understanding. (At this point, my index finger is hurting again, so I will stop using it. In many ways I have forgotten how anyway.)

What will we talk about? What questions will she ask? I considered calling Jacob, but I know that zhir mom is different from mine. What would she be thinking as she reads at the computer, plowing through my email in her new office. At least she may understand my need to be verbose: she is a librarian, a reader, a friend to the written word. The length will not bother her.

When I quit Susans.org, it was with the intent to still stay active with the people I once knew there. The new community is wonderful, non authoritarian, good people, MY people, as diverse as people can be, and as lovable as people should be. I even made up with one member, which surprises me. I am often surprised how people can come back to talk to me after I've barreled my way through an argument, after I've realized my stupidity and who I've wronged (because I hate wronging people as much as I hate being wrong), and apologize embarrassingly, because I know I must, I know I'm in fault, I hate that wrongness that comes with leaving myself the proud one, the non-guilty party, even though I am as guilty as the rest. I am just as surprised that people like me in the first place, that I am accepted, that I am loved, that I am succeeding socially not because I learned the tricks, what people want to see and hear, but because I just lay myself bare, blunt and opinionated, without tact, blundering through conversation, rambling along usually not knowing where I am going with a thought. For some reason, these people either suffer me, they pretend to be okay with my bad manners, or, weirdly, they actually LIKE me this way. Likewise, people think my writing is interesting, when I look at it, see the long runon sentences, the massive number of commas (QED), and think, who would want to ever read this but me?

Back to Susans.org...I quit there because I can't stand authoritarians. Its an interesting quality of the Internet to breed power hungry individuals who otherwise would not be bent on power. Perhaps this is because they are rather powerless in their everyday lives, and being the monarch of a forum, with absolute power to rule as they see fit, and a band of loyal subjects, newbies and the easily commanded, to hold court over, judge, jury, and banninator. How could those who are in power possibly do wrong? Do they not always claim they are there for the safety of their slav..ehem, subjects? (While in the back of your mind something has died because you submitted, an ape submitted to the thoughts and ideas of another. What ever happened to throwing feces?) What would the people of the Enlightenment think of how we have squandered our personal creativity for “temporary safety” even as we have this incredible technology that makes telephone seem from the middle ages and pen and paper ancient indeed?

I have heard that the administration reads personal messages from time to time, which for me is enough to warrant leaving. I have seen the administration delete threads which attempted to spread knowledge on wikipedia, and later understood this was because the administration wants to claim ownership, wants to have it written there first so that rule #18 can work in full effect. I have heard of people being banned for speaking out. Worst of all, I have heard of people, MY people, who were essentially told they don't exist. To me, this is the worst crime, to be told you don't exist and then stripped of any ability to speak out, to prove that you do, in fact, exist.

I'm done there, gone elsewhere, gone to a more acceptable place where I am can say what I wish. Perhaps they will eventually figure out what fools they are, and quit this business. Not likely.

Returning to coming out (of where, the closet? More like a stadium!). I can't back out anymore, my mind is set. There will be that giant drop of stomach as I click send, and then massive overwhelming relief as I realize that the motions are truly set in place, and all I can do is go with it. This inertia is very effective in helping me get things done, because it allows no room for waffling, for indecision. With the understanding of the inevitable comes a sense of calm, of relief, because one at least doesn't have to wonder what next, the what next has been decided, and all one can do is wait. Even now I 'm wondering, becoming indecisive, knowing that this event is a coin on edge resting on the point of a pin, balanced on a finger; there WILL be a result, and it will likely be immediate. It may be an explosion that rips my life apart and leaves me stranded. It may be a quiet wind of peace that sweeps me up and drives me forward, to where I want to be. SOMETHING will happen.

I am right to understand how pivotal this is.

Two more days of waiting. Two more days in the stadium, pretending I'm something I'm not. Yay for pretending to be male! I am so sick of hiding, so sick of worrying whether someone will find out, whether my mom will somehow figure it out on her own but incorrectly, whether I will just loose it, suddenly start shouting “I'm here I'm genderqueer, and I'm doing fine!”

Maybe I should do that anyway, at some point. Should be good for a momentary awkward laugh.

No backing down.

2007-11-22T10:33:00.000-08:00

I finally decided I'm not going to put things off anymore. Since I have discovered that I am too much of a coward to tell my mom straight up, I am going to send her an email which I am drafting right now. That email will be sent when I return to school on sunday. I will post it here when I feel it is ready.

No backing out now.

So, turkey day...

2007-11-21T13:20:00.000-08:00

Going home now. Prolly gonna tell my parents most of everything, except about the hormones. We'll see what happens. I'm tired of hiding. I'll make some posts to spam when I get back online on sunday.

Lets see if I can not be a coward and pull this off.

Bras and Breasts

2007-11-20T18:38:00.000-08:00

So, as I said before, I have bras now. They are relatively comfortable, and I don't really notice I am wearing one. I thought it would be more of a torture actually. And they accentuate my femme features, which can be nice depending on the day.

However, my breasts are being more of a problem. It has been 44 days since I started, and I'm seeing some changes in one side of my chest, but much slower or not at all in the other. I was really worried about this, until I searched for some female puberty information. I found that breasts regularly grow at different rates, with one slower than the other, and I might find one nipple budding and sore before the other.

I didn't know this stuff! No one sat down with me when I was eleven or so and said "Kai, when people get to a certain age, stuff happens to your body..." and so on. I'm doing this on my own, and not having anyone to ask and share experience with makes it scary sometimes. I know now that its normal, but I wish I would have known before getting stressed out about it, I wish I had someone to really talk to about this stuff, to share the experience with.

Tendinitis and Roommates

2007-11-19T19:58:00.000-08:00

It seems I have strained my left index finger to inflammation, and now it is immobile in a splint. I am completly unable to play guitar but I remarkably have adapted to typing with only 9 fingers and making minimal mistakes; my left middle finger has taken over the job of the index. I'm not sure exactly what caused it: was it playing too much guitar last week, or maybe typing too much, or perhaps as simple as gripping my cane too hard last thursday night when I was wearing gloves and the handle was slipping. In any case, it doesn't look as if I am going to be playing guitar any time soon, as any pressure on the tip or along the outside lateral or ventral side between the distal and medial join causes pain.

After realizing my roommate didn't notice me wearing a bra last night, I finally just told him the whole shebang at lunch today, about the bra, about the hormones, everything. He just shrugged it off, said it didn't really matter to him, and we went on talking like nothing happened. Seems weird for him to be so accepting, but I won't make a good situation bad by caring too much.

Funny, hes the first cisgender male I've told about the horomones in this town. I don't even know the guy that well....

Anyway, finger in a splint, roommate knows about me, going home in a couple days for Eat Till You Have Stomach Pain Day, parents still don't know anything about me.

Aftermath.

2007-11-18T08:03:00.000-08:00

So, everything was leading up to saturday for the last couple weeks, and now I'm not sure what to do. My room is a mess, laundry needs to be folded, so I guess I could start there. Otherwise, I don't feel a pull in any direction, no to studying, nor reading, nor even getting mildly intoxicated. I feel calm. Its a new feeling for me, not to be sure of the next big thing.

Maybe a shower....and then lunch.

Bras, pants and clothing stores.

2007-11-17T17:03:00.000-08:00

After weeks of talking about it, a friend of mine took me out to buy a bra. I had been anxious about this for quite a while, knowing it was coming, wondering about the awkwardness. However, with the extreme angst of gender neutral bathroom Friday behind me, and a hangover leaving my head swimming, I wasn't so worried. I felt great confidence that I could do this, paired with temperance caused by hangover, and a cisgendered female to help.

I'm very relieved I was able to do this with a friend, and that she was very respectful and excited for me, and totally understanding and not awkward about anything at all, Not even when she was teaching me how to put the bra on, and helping me make it work. Thank you so much for being there with me today.

Also, we just shopped around in general, something I've never done before. Not only are most of my clothes gifts from other people, but they are almost all rather masculine. I finally started to have fun when I stopped caring what people might think of me, or whether they approve or not. The only two easy options for people to understand would be a) a gay man shopping with a female friend or b) two female friends shopping together. people tend to simplify things like this, because believe it or not, they don't want to feel awkward either. As I understand from my friend, its awkward enough for any person to shop for underwear, female or otherwise. People tend to see what they wanted to see, and I didn't give a damn to correct them.

In the end, I purchased two 36A flexible bras, and two pair of pants that my friend said I looked good in. But the priceless thing was getting out and just having fun, and not being harassed a single time, and getting even more comfortable in my own skin.

Gender Neutral Bathrooms

2007-11-16T07:15:00.000-08:00

A big issue for me anyway. I don't feel safe in a bathroom anymore unless I can lock myself in and be alone, and certainly not a shower. I don't want to think about what could happen if someone walked in on me when I'm not wearing a shirt; for a male bodied person (can I even use that word anymore?) to have breasts, even small ones, is something that gossip lives on. Not to mention my supreme fear of confrontation and harassment, of being accosted by ignorant cisgenders. I've heard the horror stories, just like any other spivak.

Today several people from the Gay-Straight Alliance and the GLBTQ Ad-hoc committee on campus and taped signs saying "Gender Neutral Bathrooms: Please be respectfull of this sign, do not remove it", and then inside the bathrooms information on the legislation that has been passed, and the reasons. I was so afraid of what might happen, so afraid that someone might stop and start harrassing us, so afraid that someone I didn't want to know about me would find out. Bringing the will power to get myself to do this was very difficult. I don't have confidence like Jacob, who was actually putting signs OVER the "Men/Womens" signs, something we were told not to do. Sie can be such a genderfuck, something I'm not.

I was able to do it for an hour, and thats all I could stand. The person I was paired off with was as non confrontational as I am, so it worked well for us, kinda. At least one of us didn't feel uncomfortable with what the other was doing. We got stopped once, for taping things up, because of something about tearing off paint with tape (though it was painters tape, it couldn't even wreck PAPER if you wanted it to). And then, we got stopped another time by the gender studies professor, who thought it was totally awesome what we were doing and applauded us. At least one prof is on our sides.

Its sad really. The GSA at large is a really transphobic organization. One of the advisors is a transphobe, which doesn't make any sense at all, and lots of the members are apparently. This needs to change, or I just won't go anymore. There are other ways to get involved with transfriendly people on campus without going through a bunch of transphobic gay men, which really, thats what it seems 80% of the organization is composed of.

Last night at the college feminists meeting, someone brought up a good point. They mentioned that calling the bathrooms "family bathrooms" would get across to people MUCH better than calling them gender neutral bathrooms, and that it would mean the same safety for us. However, some people, Jacob included, got a little indignant....I can understand how anyone wouldn't want the issues to get swept under the carpet, but for me, safety is safety, and I don't care whether its called handicapped accessible unisex, or family, or gender neutral, it all means the same to me: that I have somewhere that I can go that is SAFE to use the bathroom on campus.

And thats what is really important.

Physics followup.

2007-11-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

As I thought, most of the test was relatively easy, except for a couple questions which I didn't quite make. One on recoil velocity of a 1500 kg canon set at 45 degrees firing a 10 kg ball at 200 m/s, another one about estimating the escape velocity of the moon from the escape velocity of the earth, knowing the mass and radius ratios, and, one about a crate with gravitational force of 40 N being pulled up a 5 m long incline plane (theta 37 degrees) where I had to find work of the frictional force (10 N). All three of those questions I had no idea how to solve. Otherwise, the rest of the test was things like, what are the units for joules (N*m), what is the position of a ball thrown straight up at so and so inital velocity at the highest point in the throw, converting revolutions/second into radians, and so on.

I think I will start going to discussion sessions from now on, there are things I don't know that I should, and I would rather do well in this class. My grandfather (who will not be named for security reasons) is a rather, well, I guess famous could be the correct word. Hes a rather famous physicist; his name is even on wikipedia. I have a sort of responsibility to do well, somewhat so I look good, but mostly so I can discuss things with him.

I wonder if my professor has ever heard of him...

So....physics...yeah

2007-11-14T20:25:00.000-08:00

I have a physics test at 8 tomorrow morning, only 10 hours away. Despite the fact that I know I will do fine, I have no idea what is on the test, what material is covered, have not studied a bit. My notes are in disarray. I say I shower, sleep and wing it. I never have enough confidence in my abilities, and when I don't study I don't have problems getting by.

This is where I wish I could turn the worry switch to the off position.

Local food?

2007-11-14T10:18:00.000-08:00

Outside the student cafeteria today, a group of people were holding a protest, to raise awareness about local foods. They were handing out hot squash and potatoes, bread and some sort of pesto for free.

Of course I partook. What do you think me, a fool? I'll take good free food anytime, local or not.

These people were yelling with signs out in the wind and cold things like "NO DEBOT, FREE LOCAL FOOD!" (Debot being the name of the cafeteria). And not surprisingly, the food was rather good, but then I'm a sucker for food cooked simply, especially potatoes.

Later I found out that the Debot director came out and told them that all their fruits and vegetables are already seasonally local. I don't know if I believe that, I've seen the french fries being taken out frozen from sysco food boxes.

If the food is local, they could at least learn to COOK it better. Nothings worse to eat than good ingredients prepared poorly. At least if you are eating crap ingredients you don't have it on your conscious that the food could be better.

A short rant on ethanol

2007-11-13T18:47:00.000-08:00

And no, I don't mean the delicious CH3CH2OH that we love to drink in large quantities. I'm talking about fuel ethanol, and more specifically, corn ethanol, the substance many people seem to think will solve all our transportation problems. A presentation I saw tonight got me thinking again about how full of shit that idea is.

The only thing that will come from use of corn ethanol as fuel is we run out of water, and all the nations agricultural topsoil will end up in one of two places: the Atlantic and the Pacific oceans.

The problem, of course, is agricultural practices. You see, in this country we have a sustainable agriculture subsity that gives farmers money for using sustainable agricultural practices, like crop rotation, and letting fields lie fallow. Since there is "so much money" in ethanol compared to other crops, and since this extra money gives them no initiative to continue with the subsidy (why let fields go fallow and rotate crops when you can run corn on the same land ALL YEAR ROUND and make the BIG BUCKS?), they abandon these practices which keep the soil on the land and not in our water supply. The result? Large scale agricultural erosion from bad farming practices, the dust bowl all over again. Furthermore, the scale that such farming would need to be done to produce the amount of ethanol needed for our transportational system (which is only growing as time goes on) is more than we can spare, water included.

So get corn ethanol out of your head. Sugar cane, or cellulosic ethanol, on the other hand, might just have a future. Both have massive returns on energy in comparison to ethanol and also petroleum. They just might work, whereas corn ethanol doesn't have a chance.

So, lets use corn for what its always been for: eating. And how!

What am I? And should I care?

2007-11-12T20:23:00.000-08:00

x post from Susans.org

I've been taking hormones for a month now. Yes, I know how some of you feel about this, and how others of you feel about it. This post is not about that, or anything that might be wrong to say.

I'm coming on to the realization that I have budding breasts. Yes, I'm male bodied, or I was, or still am and its just a slight alteration. I know because when I poke at them, there is soreness, and something is going on in the tissue.

The problem I think, is I don't know if I care right now, at this very moment. I certainly cared this morning, and then there are other days where everything is dysphoria, and I hate my body, no matter what sex it might present, or I hate one part one day and another part the next. Here I wanted them so bad, wanted an androgynous appearance, wanted to be in between, really in between, and at this very moment, I just don't care. Maybe I'm tired.

Maybe I spend too much time alone.

I used to think I was plain mixedgender, but now I see that there is null gender mixed in with that, and other things too. 0-gender, mixed in with mixedgender, a big genderqueer mess. I'm realizing no matter what I do, I will feel there is something wrong with me.

Male, female, androgyne, mx, femme, butch, null.
Maybe I'm a pregender who got postgendered.
Maybe I'm a neutrois dreaming I'm gendered.
Maybe I'm gendered and I should JUST FREAKING PICK MALE OR FEMALE ALREADY.

But then I'd feel bad, no matter what I end up as. None and ALL of them are right. I guess thats what androgynes mean when they say "both and neither" (mixed and null).

And here I am, hoping that switches will click more and more as time goes on. And finding out more and more that the things I thought I cared about, I don't really care about.

Like sex. It was a conscious and unconscious decision, learning that I didn't want it, or need it, and hated what it entailed, for mysef anyway. And where I am now with that, a flip of the oversexed being I used to be, its comfortable. I find myself loving in ways that are so much more wonderful, attraction in all new venues, and a complete infatuation with people based soley on their personalities and their belief that I am worth it.

And then there are the things I thought I wanted. Like graduate school, like working in the field I have been studying for 3 plus years now (and arguably my whole life, from before I was born, my mother running around with a butterfly net in her pregnancy). This want is becoming less and less important, as I face burnout at the hands of mediocrity. How can I care when the professor doesn't? How can I bring myself to enjoy even Entomology when the teaching is either banal or confusing and always dissapointing? What about my friends who are happy enough, doing simple things, and obtain their joy from the people they love rather than the work they do?

Or the things I needed were so completely different than what I thought I needed. Like cuddling, which I thought was just some weird thing about me, something bizarre that couldn't possibly be an actual NEED, right? I was wrong, so wrong, keeping myself from that for almost a year, until I let myself come to that situation again, out of need (I actually ASKED for help) and I cried, for an hour maybe, and then passed out in someones arms, and I knew, that maybe I could be well again, if I could just give myself what I needed instead of what I thought I wanted.

Maybe its the hormones fault. Maybe the hormones were just the catalyst. Maybe the hormones have nothing to do with it, and I should stop it now, cause I'm just digging a hole. Or maybe they have everything to do with it, and I should be satisfied because I've finally figured out what I want and I just have to figure out how to get it and wait for opportunity.

Maybe I'm over thinking everything, or not thinking enough about the RIGHT things. Maybe I should get Fox news, or CNN, or whatever else is on that TeeVee to tell me what to think. I'm on the cusp of figuring out my gender and finding out it doesn't want to be described.

So I used genderqueer, and don't try to explain to people that who I am is some crazy mix up of all these different archetypes and influences and the gender is so screwy it doesn't have a name. Its not some simple dicotomy or some simple mixture or some simple lack.
Its not simple, period. And I wonder sometimes what/who the hell being made me so crazy inside or was it biology, or was it my childhood, or was it parents, or was it friends, or

is it all my own damn fault?

I think I'm stuck like this, this raw mixture.

A smart person would settle down and try to get used to it.

Where was I going?

I wish

2007-11-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

That I was close to my parents. I wish that I could go up to my dad and hug him the way I want to, without any akwardness. I wish my mom and I could really talk about things together.

I wish I could open up to the both of them, let them know that they don't have to treat me just like a boy anymore, tell them I'm genderqueer, mixedgender, androgyne, inbetween. Let me be the daughter they always wanted too. Let me be the person I want to be with them.

I keep hiding this secret. I let them treat me like something I'm not, because I don't know how they would react if I told them the truth. They might be horrified. They might just think its a phase. They might tell me I need medical help, that I have to go back to the shrink, that there is something wrong with me.

I'm going home, later this afternoon, and I wish I could just tell them, let them know that I'm both their son AND daughter AND something other, that I'm outside the binary, and that I like it this way. If I could do that, the walls would be broken, and I think I could just love the way I really truly want to.

Too bad its not going to happn.

Every morning

2007-10-29T08:01:00.000-07:00

I struggle to get out of bed. Things used to be different, and it was a different kind of struggle. In those days, back in high school, I was hiding from the world, or, the world was hiding from me. I wasn't aware of the kind of person I would become, only of the person I was, and I hated myself, hated the life I was living. It was easy to be depressed back then, when all I had was moving through every day to get to the end of it, so I could sleep again. Even my friends, as good as they may have seen now, were all so wrapped up in their problems, and none of us understood each other. There was no shared pain, and we all suffered for it. Back then the tiredness seeped into the bones of my face, entangling cordage and muscle, pulling a weight on my eyelids. I was never ready to get up then.

Now, I struggle to escape my mattress in entirely different ways. As I lay there, just reviewing the contents of my mind, I wish I could spring up, like a young person would, and land on their feet, and walk easily. Instead, I slowly pull my legs out of horizontal sliding them up, feeling the creaking, the incoming pressure, accompanied by a dull pain. I brace myself against the bed, and against myself as well, and push my lower back into a U on the bed, to try to stretch some of the stiffness out of these muscles and joints.

When I feel I have waited long enough, I slide slowly towards the side of the bed, not slowly enough. A stab of brilliant pain runs through my left leg, paralizing my breath and my movement for a second, causing a low gasp to escape. This all to familiar pain I feel is like a stab of white lightning, a crushing pushing, like a needle is being inserted down my leg, down the whole length. It comes from my siatic nerves, rebelling against the incoming push of piriformis muscle tissue, a last holdout against the pain, which knows it can't escape but fights, like a riot completely surrounded by police who continue closing the circle tightly.

As this continues to happen, I pause, feet poised to fall off the bed, and as they slowly cascade off, I push down with my elbows, trying for once to pull myself up straight, to avoid the pain. Let the nerve continue its riot just once please; the police are too good at what they do. Once I am finally in a sitting positiong, I relax for a moment, pushing out with my stomach, feeling the pressure against my thighs, the pulling, the almost stabbing crushing burning tingling pain. In one movement, I am up, hip sockets finally poping back into place, or near it.

Once again, I've made it out of bed with great difficulty. There are days I worry I will never make it, that I will just lay there till someone finds me. I keep a phone nearby, just in case.

"A butterfly flaps its wings...."

2007-10-27T13:26:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about the past 3 1/2 years of my life just a few moments ago. I was thinking about how, in October of 2004, I was on the forum of a certain webcomic. I was fresh into college, and this was the first period of my life where internet was an easy resource. One day, I found this thread. This particular member had posted something about discordianism, and I PMed him about it. Shortly after, I was searching the web, and came upon PD.com. The things I learned there over the next couple months opened my mind to a miriad of possibilities, new interests, and the person who I was in highschool began to erode away. In 2005, I joined EB&G, and learned more about myself. This was a long process of growth, but the friends I have here have aided it so much. Then it was early 2006, and I met Rev. Michal, my best and closest friend, family to me. It was by hir impulse that I finally figured out I was genderqueer, and as I look back, I can see points in my life where it would have been obvious to anyone that I was, but I didn't know it, and would have denied it. More recently, Michal directed me to this transgender webforum, where I met Sam, wonderful Sam, whom I love so much. Sam, prodding me, got me to join the GSA on campus, to open myself up to other people; his own activism was largely my impulse. And so, last week wednesday, I went to the GLBT group, and there I met Jacob, another genderqueer (from my past actually, but I barely remember hir) and others too. A group of people to understand me, to share pain with.

If I had never PMed that person, I would have never joined PD.com.

If I had never joined PD.com, I would have never met Michal.

If I had never met Michal, I would have never realized I am genderqueer.

If I haddn't figured out I was genderqueer, Michal would have never suggested me to the transgender forum.

If I had never gone to that forum, I would have never met Sam.

If I had never met Sam, I would have never gone to GSA last week.

And if I had not gone to GSA last week, and met Jacob, I would have not ended up in hir arms today, crying myself dry and shaking, harder than I have in many many years, releasing 22 years of pain, or actually, a small fragment. There will be more times like that in the near future, I guarantee it, as I have many more tears to shed, and I passed out, hyperventilating, safe in hir arms, before I could cry them all.

I left out lots of things, lots of people that worked in synergy with these events, all the things I learned, that made me the person I am today. But they are there, and the people in the audience who took part, you know who you are, and I thank you.

So, you see, the person I am today, over three years of growth and living, is largely dependent on one event, one personal message, in October of 2004.

If I had never read that thread, never sent that PM, I would not be the person I am today.

Two reactions to a cripple with a cane:

2007-10-27T12:41:00.000-07:00

Sympathy, that borders on awkwardness, and aversion.

Truthfully, I like the second better than the first. Its a benefit to know that one could wear bizarrely outrageous clothing, or act in an absurd manner, and as long as you're limping along with a cane, no one touches you, bothers you, stops you to harass you, unless they are TRUE assholes. Most people are uncomfortable with those who are "differentially-abled" (fuck that word; I wear my cripple pride like a big star). But even the harassment from assholes doesn't last long. Most people look down on those that would bother a cripple, especially the sympathetic.

I guess I can't complain too much about them, they mean well, or they are just trained by society to have that nurturing want to look out for people "less fortunate". I can't complain about people wanting to open doors for me, I do the same for other people, whether or not its been a bad day. But I do have my pride dammit. I don't want to ask for help usually, and unless I truly can't do something myself, I do it myself. If I fall down, I WILL get up, barring apocalypse, and unless I say "could you please lend me your hand for a moment", I want to jam my cane against the ground, and pull myself up it, by myself. It takes alot of inner strength to get out of bed some mornings, but I pull it off. And these people with this awkward sympathy, often they see only the cane, and the gimp legs, and the cripple back, when I am so much more than that. No, I won't humble myself, I know what I am capable of.

I can see where some cripples feel differently, they like the attention, or they need the help. But I don't need the help, and I've spent 19 years of my life trying to get attention. I've had enough of attention getting for the wrong reasons. And then, the well meaning, awkward questions, which I don't mind from people who are close to me, but from the random passers, the ones who knew me from highschool, asking "what the hell happened to you!?", and I know they don't really mean it, don't really care, just want to affirm themselves that it can't happen to them. I have the whole speel written out in my mind, exactly how to say it, same thing every time, how to reply to the comments of sympathy, to the people who wouldn't have stopped to say hello otherwise, because all they see is the cane. Friends tell me it makes me distinctive in a crowd, and I guess thats true. But when your entire image is focused down to a length of scratched and dented aluminum, I don't know if its a good thing to have that distinction.

What could be worse? The days I feel well enough to go without the cane, people ask me why I'm not using it. Like its an inseparable part of my body, as important as my heart and lungs.

Ignore the cane, people. Its not me; look at my face, see my smile? The pain makes me stronger, makes me realize most what I love about life, and the cane is MY reminder, not yours, of who I am.

Freedom and Rights: some thoughts.

2007-03-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

The Good Reverend Roger has talked quite a bit about this in the past. Appologies to him if I infringe upon his material..

It seems to me that free will is an entirely useless concept. It assumes that freedom is something granted, by deity, creator, or whatever supernatural force you believe in. But if freedom can be granted, it can be taken away. If freedom can be taken from you, are you truly free? Freedom granted is not freedom at all.

Real freedom, if it exists, must come from oneself. It originates in our own action, and specifically, our choice of action. Its not a part of a society, an abstract principle. The American Declaration of Independance speaks of the inalienable liberty, something that can not be taken away, even if one tries. This liberty is inherent in every person, and it exists as choice. Not the ability to choose, but the choices made themselves. Ask yourself, do these choices follow my own path, my own values, or do they follow those of someone else? Its not important if your choices coincide with other peoples, or do not. Freedom is having the choice be your own, considering and deciding for oneself, not letting you be blindly dictated, or not. Self responsibility nicely follows. "I take this road. It is my decision, and mine alone, and thus the concequences of that action I take upon myself."

The possession of that choice is where the freedom lies. You may be taken to jail for an action you are responsible for, yet your freedom is not hindered. In actuallity, you may have excersiced more freedom than the guards who block your exit. This is because freedom is not the opportunities that life presents, but what you choose to do with them.

The same can be said of rights. If they are truely unalienable, they are not granted by someone else, they are part of oneself. A constitution is just a piece of paper with some scribbles. The freedom of speech is truly free not because its an amendment. Besides, many say that the US Constitution is dead from injury to its precepts.

I continue on with these as a part of myself. No deity grants me freedom, no document grants me rights. These are things I take for myself now and will continue to. I choose myself. That is freedom.

Ramblings, yes. I had to say it though.

We really don't have any idea.

2007-03-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

Something my Animal Physiology professor said recently:

"The sense of taste is a really complex thing, and we really have no idea how it works. We don't even actually know how proteins work. I mean, there used to be this whole lock and key mechanism to describe how proteins can be made to change shape, but now there's this thing with electron fields and activation, and even that may not be true. Protein channels, we don't know how those work either. I mean, why does a potassium channel only let potassium through when sodium is about the same size and the same charge? Why can't clorine get through the same channel, since its so much smaller? We really don't know. The models we have, they're just kinda made up, we say, this looks like what it should be, so thats how we're gonna model it."

We really do know very little about the universe. Our understanding is far from complete.

Okay, now for a special treat.

2006-12-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

http://www.publicbroadcasting.net/wiaa/a...&id=924451

Andrew York playing 'Letting Go' live on a radio station. This song, released at the same time as the Hauser Session recordings on Segovia's guitar, is probably my favorite piece of his, and certainly his most emotive. He calls it "a celebration of the common but glorious I-IV-V progression', but it is so much more than that. And to top it off, he begins singing near the end, and it blends so perfectly with the guitar, that you don't even realize it at first. I hope some day to be able to play with the emotion this man does.

Goodbye, Baji

2006-12-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

I am reminded of the destruction we humans inflict on this planet by the loss of the Baji, the chinese river dolphin. A lineage that migrated from the oceans into the Yangtze river system 20 million years ago, 20 million years of biological development. Gone, lost to development of another kind.

To be truthful, I seldom get as choked up like this over mammals. My heart lies more with the invertebrates, with the stepped upon insects, with the plants that no one ever notices when they were around, and no one even blinks when they are gone. The Baji is only one out of thousands that are no more this week, so why should this one pull me so?

Possibly because it is a symbol to me, that I have not done enough, that I am guilty of ignorance, that I have failed to help conserve "every cog and wheel", as Leopold put it, a reminder of what humans have cast upon this world with our technology and "achievment". Perhapse it is some shallow identification as kinship, feeling for a fellow mammal that is no more. Yet, do I really need a reason for feeling loss? Shouldn't the loss itself be enough?

I don't know.

Who knew there were so many Cyprinids?

2006-11-27T18:37:00.000-08:00

Uggh...flash cards of fish. Really, I like taxonomy as much as the next biologists, but seriously, nearly 100 fish species to memorize for an undergraduate Icthyology course? It wouldn't be so bad if it was easily identifiable fishes, like the Centrarchids, for example. But, here I have before me 19 different cyprinidae species to learn, and all but one of them is easy (Carp, Cyprinus carpio). The rest are Daces, Minnows, Shiners and Chads. And then there are the Catostomatids! Who knew there were so many freaking kinds of suckers!

Any way, I'd like to petition the icthyologists in the audience to reduce the Cyprinidae to three species: Carp, Goldfish, and Minnow. Hell of a lot easier to learn, and you know all those damn cyprinids look alike anyway. Oh, and reduce the Catostomatids to one species: White Sucker.

(Yes, yes, above is satire. However, I am quite tired of fish. The remaining portion of my insanity is weeping in a dark corner of my soul, chanting in latin gibberish)

"Nouomis bigutatus, BIGUTTATUS I SAY!!"

Any way, I would much rather learn aquatic insects. Fish are so....vertebrata, with their bones and scales and lack of superior chitinous exoskelleton.

'The Life of the Land is Preserved in Righteousness'

2006-11-20T11:50:00.000-08:00

Ua Mau ke Ea o ka Āina i ka Pono, the words on the state seal of Hawai'i, translate to 'the life of the land is preserved in righteousness'.

Aldo Leopold, the great conservationist writer of the last century, expressed a similar ideal when he wrote in his book A Sand County Almanac:

A thing is right when it tends to preserve the integrity, stability and beauty of the biotic community. It is wrong when it tends otherwise.

It is ironic when we note that the ecological problems which have destroyed the natural Hawai'i are directly contrary to what the words on the seal mean if given Leopold's intent.

It is futher ironic that the Utilitarians and biocentrists, those people who would from a glance seem to be closest to Leopold's beliefs, are most horrified at the implications, that humans should have no qualms about eating meat, among other things; and the anthropocentrics, those people who would seem furthest from Leopold's beliefs, are more likely to agree with the implications.

Thus, Leopold's land ethic is often cast as something not to radical, because the majority of humans are able to agree with its implications, the eating of meat, the allowance of hunting, agriculture, and other human occupations, as long as the "land" survives to future generations. Yet, if one analyses Leopold closely, they find that his "land organism" is composed of animals and plants, as well as non-living soils and water, on which he places intrinsic value. Very radical; not many in this age give value in and of itself to non-living things, and even less when he wrote it, 65 years ago.

He was able to do this because he he casts his beliefs in a non-individualist light. His statement was about "community", not individual organisms. Thus, "kinds", or species, have intrinsic value, something that is not found in the essays of the Utilitarians, completly outside the scope of the Biocentrists; thus, amalgamations of matter which are intrinsicly part of the whole ecosystem, the "land mechanism as he called it, are also intrinsically valued.

This melding of ethics and ecology is so beyond the bi-polar struggle of anthropocentrists and Biocentrists that it escapes the continuum, because it refuses to focus on the individual, instead focusing on something greater.

I find it is quite funny to see the head of both the anthropocentrist and the Biocentrist spin, in opposite directions of course, when this information is brought into play. The anthropocentrist cannot fathom giving intrinsic value to The Land, and the vegan Utilitarian cannot fathom eating meat.

In my opinion, both are wrong, both cannot accept cycles greater then their everyday workings, legacies that exist outside their daily grind.

When you get stuck on the individual, you loose site of the bigger picture. But when you focus on the whole, the individual is not elimiated. This Holism includes, not discludes. By focusing on the Land Organism, Leopold brings an ethic that is father reaching and more pertinent than the anthropocentrist and the Biocentrists could make working together.

Ua Mau ke Ea o ka Aaina i ka Pono, indeed.

2006-11-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

Look at this comment thread in which a bunch of Dhimmicrats do exactly the same shit that the republitards would have done if they had won the house and senate. See how I (Pseudo-Buddhaodiscordo-Pastafarian) tell these people this is only a pyrric victory, if any at all. See how they masturbate to each other and call me a loonie. See how I respond by pointing out that 7 out of 8 passed is 80% failure. See how they call me troll.

The dems care NOTHING for civil liberties. All they give a shit about is power, and their own wellfare. One partictular comment that struck me:

All the anti-gay ballot initiatives passed (mostly with wide margins) with the exception of Arizona. That is a resounding defeat for me and mine, and the continued downward spiral of GLBT equality across the nation.

Yes, this is a terrible thing. But it's pretty much independent of the Dem sweep of congress, governorships, and state houses, contrary to the implication of Mr. Pseudo.

In other words, if its not taking THEIR rights away, and as long as the dhimms "win", they don't give a shit.

Fools. The Nazi's didn't take away the rights of German citizens all at once either.

2006-11-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

Originally posted at PD.com on October 26, 2005.

Fuck the Discovery Institute

Or

Michael Behe is a Fucktard

Or

Why Intelligent Design is a Crock of Shit

“TEACH THE CONTROVERSY!!” That is the battle cry of ID advocates from Florida to Kansas, those oh so friendly religious fanatics who are in the game to fornicate the nations public schools systems with the semen of Creationist “Science” yet again, this time with a more scientific sounding name. Teach the Controversy, huh? Well, I'm here to tell that THERE IS NO FUCKING CONTROVERSY! Intelligent Design is still the same piece of useless shit that it always has been, yet these people insist that their (read as everybody's) children need to be exposed to all “theories” equally. Of course, by theory, they mean a fucking guess written down by some old dead guys 2 millennial ago that is not only a fucking creation myth, but is FUCKING WRONG. Not to mention that its some of the most insipid crap I've ever read. But I digress. In the title I mentioned, among other things, that I would explain why ID is shit, and I intend to do that, now that I have shat some hate.

Reasons why Intelligent Design “Theory” consists of male Bovine fecal matter:

1. ID theory is not a theory: In scientific terms a theory is a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world that can incorporate facts, laws, inferences, and tested hypotheses. Key words here are well-substantiated and tested hypotheses. Now, lets see what one of the leading “scientist” advocates of ID has to say about theories...

Q In fact, your definition of scientific theory is synonymous with hypothesis, correct?

A Partly -- it can be synonymous with hypothesis, it can also include the National Academy s definition. But in fact, the scientific community uses the word "theory" in many times as synonymous with the word "hypothesis," other times it uses the word as a synonym for the definition reached by the National Academy, and at other times it uses it in other ways.

Q But the way you are using it is synonymous with the definition of hypothesis?

A No, I would disagree. It can be used to cover hypotheses, but it can also include ideas that are in fact well substantiated and so on. So while it does include ideas that are synonymous or in fact are hypotheses, it also includes stronger senses of that term.

Q And using your definition, intelligent design is a scientific theory, correct?

A Yes.

Q Under that same definition astrology is a scientific theory under your definition, correct?

A Under my definition, a scientific theory is a proposed explanation which focuses or points to physical, observable data and logical inferences. There are many things throughout the history of science which we now think to be incorrect which nonetheless would fit that -- which would fit that definition. Yes, astrology is in fact one, and so is the ether theory of the propagation of light, and many other -- many other theories as well.

The one giving answers is none other than Michael Behe, the forefront Messiah of the ID movement. While he pwns himself almost immediately by equating “Theory” to “Hypothesis” (something no real scientist would do) he then continues to suggest that Astrology and (I have to stifle laughter for this one) ETHER THEORY are both scientific theories. But enough of Behe for now, I'll come back to him later. The greater point is, ID is NOT a scientific theory.

2. There is no evidence for ID: In short, the definition of Intelligent Design “theory” is “since there are gaps in our knowledge of the universe, we conclude that it all came about by a “Intelligent Designer”. Thats it folks, the “theory of Intelligent Design”. In addition to not only being COMPLETLY FUCKING USELESS to science, it provides no evidence for its claim. Oh, fine, I guess I'll use Behe as a whipping post again, if only because its so fucking easy. Behe uses “God of the Gaps” as his main standing point, in addition to something he calls “Irreducible Complexity”. In other words, because the universe is so fucking big, and because biology is so fucking complex, the only way it could have possibly come about is by Intelligent Design. He then Points to, among other things, the Sphinx at Cairo, the Eiffel Tower in Paris, and says “They are complex and designed, therefore, biology must be designed as well.” Both “God of the Gaps” and “Irreducible Complexity” use the standard ID logic formula: If A is not fully understood or is often too complex for normal (read: stupid) people to understand, then A != B (B being modern scientific opinion) and A = C (Intelligent Design). What they forget is that crucial of all things in science: EVIDENCE. Without evidence, a hypothesis should not even be considered scientifically. In other words, ID is shit.

3. ID Scientist = Crackpot Fucktard: I've talk quite a bit about Michael Behe already. He used to be a prominent biochemist working at Lehigh University. He still works there, but now he isn't so prominent for biochemistry, rather, he's well known for being an ID advocate. He's even written several books. But his arguments are just repetitions of those I have already stated. Repetition is a favored tactic of ID advocates. Personally, I think its an attempt at hypnotism. ^_^ Lets take a look at some of the other leading “ID scientists”.

William Dembski: Another Crackpot Fucktard. Mathematician and self-ascribed philosopher. Works directly for the Discovery Institute. Favorite quote: “Intelligent Design is an 'Argument from Ignorance...'” I believe that = pwned.

Kevin Hovind: Young Earth Creationist (read: Wannabe Crackpot Fucktard) Calls himself “Dr. Dino”. Quotes the Xtian Tree Corpse directly as science.

And there are many others, all of them Fucktards. The ringleader for this circus? Discovery Institute. As a front for the Republican Party, they pay “respected scientists” well for their bullshit. Except for Behe, of course. They stopped supporting when he committed career suicide at the recent Dover trial. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

4. Its all a mask: Heres the thing ID advocates don't want you to know, the thing that they will deny vehemently if you ask it (that is, unless you get them stirred up enough). This great secret is:

Intelligent Design = Scientific Creationism

Of course, we all know that. ID is just a mask for SC. The original Scientific Creationism was denied access to public education after the Scopes “Monkey” Trial in 1925, and ever since, SC advocates have been trying to weasel their way back into the classroom. The new vehicle is called Intelligent Design, mostly, I believe, because it sounds scientific to the layman. Even YECs are getting in the game, trying to sound like the Crackpot Fucktards.

In conclusion, ID is a crock of shit because it just revamped creationism in disguise, a crude hypothesis without evidence, supported only by Crackpots and fundamentalists. Keep it out of the classroom. Better yet, round up all the crackpots and put them in the asylums. Thats where they really belong anyway.

Fucktards.

The Process of Sustaining

2006-11-13T12:12:00.000-08:00

The Process of Sustaining

In the universe, all things sustain by both taking and giving.

All things must take for substanance,
and must give, for the substanance of others.

Thus, in giving and taking, the universe is sustained in balance.

Sol

Sol gives and gives, but no longer takes.
It gives, because it has taken enough.

Thus, by continously giving, Sol sustains Earth.

Life

Life is a gift of the universe.
It is known as the process of that which Sustains.

All living things take for substanance.
They take sustanence from other life,
and thus, others give their lives for sustanance.

All living things take and give, and there is balance.

Death
Death, that is, loss of ones life,
is the highest gift of the process of that which Sustains.

Ones own death, the body, the corpse,
is consumed by life.

The decomposers take the gift, and partake to sustain themselves.
They, in turn, give the gift of their own lifes to others.

Water and Soil

Water and soil are living entities.
They are suffuse with life, in many forms.
Thus, they are part of the process of that which Sustains.

What is decomposed in the soil, is then moved by water.
Moved, and all things are then sustained by it.

The nutrients of the earth,
and those gifts decomposed by other living things,
are taken again by green things,
to sustain themselves and all living things.

Sustaining oneself

A loon is calling out on the lake.
He understands what I mean by "taking to sustain".
Because that is all he takes for.

An Agent of that which Sustains
does not take more than she needs to sustain.
When she takes, she gives back,
and when she gives, she also takes.

Life is then at balance,
and she is at peace.

Respect

Of all the emotions one can have,
respect is of the most importance.

Respect for life does not mean
that one avoids taking.

To do so would be ones own demise.

Rather, by taking only what one needs to sustain,
the Agent respects those lifes whish he takes.

The Agent also does not discriminate
on basis of form.
Plants, Animals, fungi, protists, and bacteria;
They are all living.

None is more alive than the other.
None has less value than the other.
None is less a part of the Process of Sustaining.

Thus, the Agent of that which sustains
takes what one needs to sustain,
whether it be plant, animal, fungus, protist, or bacteria;
he does not discriminate on basis of form.

As long as he respects life, in all forms
the Agent of that which sustains cannot do wrong.

Mind's sustainence

The sustainence of the body
is the life of others.

The sustainence of the mind
are the ideas of others.

One takes ideas from others for sustainence. Then, she gives ideas back.
Her ideas are partially formed from that which she has taken.

Thus, the spreading of ideas
is a process of sustainance
in its own right.

The Illusion of Taking without giving

Many people in this world
follow the illusion of taking and not giving.

Is it ironic
that the end of giving
began as a gift?

The idea that one is not part
of the process of sustaining,
that one is above it,
that one can control it;

that is the path to destruction.

These people take the gifts given freely,
and then enter the house
and take everything.

They have no respect for life.
To them, taking is a game,
a livelyhood.

But, they are not at peace.

In buying into the illusion,
they have formed their own hell.

A hell of consuming, and of fear
especially fear of their own death.

They will still die, in their own hell of fear
and possibly they will relent,
but not likely.

They may not give their life freely,
in the end,
but it will still be taken.

The Agent

The Agent of that which Sustains
is known by her three qualities:

her respect for Life,
her fearlessness of death,
and her inner peace.

The Agent of that which Sustains
is not above the process.

Her respect of Life,
and fearlessness of death,
immerse and humble her
to the process of sustaining.

She knows of Taking and Giving.
She knows of the Illusion of Taking without Giving.
She has purged the Illusion from her.

Thus, she is not driven to consume,
not driven by fear.

Thus, she is at peace.

Humility

All things live and die.
Therefore, one is no different in nature from another.

The smallest organisms
can be those that all other lives rest upon.
Size is not a measure of importance.

One human
is just one out of zillions of living things,
each one intrinsicly able to give and take.

Therefore, a person is just a life like any other,
and ones size and mind
does not put one above another life.

To know and live this is to be humble.
Through this humility, one can find inner peace

Continuity

Since Life began
there has been no end to Life.

Life begets Life
there is no period of no-Life
between the two.

Since the begining, Life has continued,
the Transient, that which Sustains.

The Lineage is continuous,
Back to the Begining,
and on beyond our view.

The Agent realized this;
She knows that death is no end,
and birth is no begining.

She knows that all is Transient,
Arising to complexity,
Returning to simplicity.

The Process which Sustains,

Life Itself,

Infininte.

Reverse Brainwashing: A Guide

2006-11-13T08:40:00.000-08:00

Introduction
I'm not all that great at this stuff, so I'm not posting a piece for the PD06. Instead, I am going to expand upon what I call reverse brainwashing, and was mentioned earlier in the brainstorming stages. Reverse Brainwashing works in nearly the same manner as the garden variety, except its purpose is to free the individual from their 'Iron Bar Prison', and get them to expand their imagination to think for themselves. To wake them up to reality, essentially. Like the opposite, reverse brainwashing rewrites a persons paradigm, and there are several stages to the process.

1. Hook the Sheep
In this stage we attract those who may be more receptive to waking up at the moment. From earlier discussions, we have found that certain things work well to attract the target population. From polls of other discordians, we have found the target age group, the age group which is most receptive to this process is late teens (16-20). So the modes of attraction are aligned towards these individuals.
Shiny things tend to catch peoples eye, that is, things that are oddly colored when compared to surroundings. The best way to go is LOUD. Clashing colors, bright graphics, complex, interesting looking graphics, these all get peoples attention. One color font is right out. Non standard fonts are better, but make sure they are easily readable. Make each sentence or thought a different color. Use bright colors, or at least those that contrast highly with the background. Make it ATTRACTIVE to teens these days. You know they spend all day in bland 'prisons', so make it look as different from the prison as possible!
Place the propaganda in prominent locations. If you are going to disseminate fliers, dress cleanly and properly (depending on the location, maybe suit, maybe street gear), but don't say anything, just hand them out. At this point we are just trying to get them to notice.

2. Reel them in
So, you've caught their attention. Now, what do you TELL them off the bat? Generally, members agree to leave out as many inside jokes as possible. Leave out 'classic' rich words too, like All Hail Eris, Fn0rd, Greyface, etc. These only get in the way of keeping them interested. In fact, leave out any mention of religion in general. Use newly coined phrases, like “The Discordian Society cordially invites you to join us in a jailbreak...”. Leave out as much classical humor as possible. Use questioning phrases.
Most of all, intrigue them. Give them just a little meat to work with, using new buzzwords like “Iron Bar Prison”. Make them want to come to you for more. Make the message short, don't draw it out. These kids have short attention spans, its got to be catchy.
Finally, give them somewhere to go. Putting www.principiadiscordia.com at the end of the flier is good, or the address to POEE. This is very important, and it will weed out those who are truly interested; they will take the initiative and come.

3. Operation Mindfuck
In this stage we fuck with the dogma that is stuck in circuit. We weaken the prison with weirdness. This is the realm of the PD06 now in progress, it is the most difficult job of this process, and the most important. It is here that we begin changing the paradigm.
The document itself has little ability for variability in length. On one hand, the potential discordians have short attention spans, so it should be short enough to adjust for this. On the other hand, there is a minimum length for such documents, because of the time needed for the weakening to occur. This is important: if the PD06 is too short, it will accomplish little or nothing in this stage. This is because a sort of minor hypnosis must occur, which allows the mind to be more easily screwed with.
The PD06 must be easily accessible; if possible, it should be the first discordian document the potential has ever come across. The less he/she has heard before this point, the better. Put it next to or, if possible, in place of the original at PD.com.
It should look unassuming. Start out with the same sorts of things from the 'propaganda'. Give a little humor, but make it background. Use lots of buzzphrases. Use repetition. Lull them into an unassuming state, while slowly increasing the weirdness.
When a critical point is reached, completely shatter their world view. Shock them. Warning: this can only work if they are first lulled into that semi-hypnotic state. This is the point of turning, where the dogma that has been ingrained is broken. What they knew can't possibly be true anymore. So give them something else to know.

4. Reversing the cycle
Throughout the PD06, subliminal messages should be placed. These should span around central themes such as freedom, 'jailbreak', thinking for oneself, imagination, waking up, etc. gradually increase the frequency of these and decrease the subliminality, until the critical point is reached. Then, all things should be about these central themes. At this point, we are taking their closed mind and replacing it with an open one. We broke their reality, and now supply a better one. Once you are at this point, you can say nearly anything, and a person will run with it, so be careful! Don't fall in the same traps as the original pd! Yes, some randomness, some humor, but don't make them the most important things. Otherwise you end up with more 'zomg23pinealglandlol' discordians, who are seldom well welcomed in most discordian forums, and their growth as people is also impeded.

5. Welcome the convert
So a person is converted. What next? They most likely go to find more like them. Thus making active discordian web communities of high importance. The convert should be welcomed and guided. They still have lots to learn. Eventually they should be introduced to the full cannon of discordian literature. But for now, teach the basics. As before, keep the religious aspects low key. There is still the possibility to ostracise. Make them feel welcomed, give them praise and constructive criticism. Encourage them in their interests. In other words, be like good foster parents. They're still kids and have a long way to go!

Conclusion
One by one, we break the sheep from their Iron Bar Prisons and expand their imaginations, make them think for themselves. In turn, they break more from their prisons. Eventually, critical mass is reached. Our key word: Resolve. Evangelize with compassion and determination. And realize that there will be few in the beginning. We are hand picking our successors. They are the future of discordianism. Let us guide our future with intelligence.